Gestalt
by Caer
Summary: Complete--AU 3x4... Trowa is a psychology student who meets Quatre in a mental institution. He's a patient there. Eventual lemon.
1. Default Chapter

Gestalt 1

Hi!!!Well, I'm back to 3x4 for a bit.This fic has been sitting on my drive for a while.I decided I really needed to get it finished before I start anything else.Let me know what you think.

Warnings:Weirdness, Yaoi, Lemon (eventually)Some OOC for the supporting characters.

Dedicated to *kelley*!Such a wonderful friend!Thanks for betaing this oh so long ago and I'll send you more soon!

Gestalt 1

By Caer

****

"He checked himself in?"

"I know it's hard to believe."The pudgy guard opened yet another security door, sliding his access card and waiting for the lock to give with a thick "cachunk".Trowa jumped slightly and felt a little ill at the unfamiliar yet sickening sound of the heavy security locks echoing through the bland white hallways as they made their way around a corner to yet another door.

'Is there no end to these doors?' he wondered as he had lost count of the amount of times he had heard the same heavy thunk of a new security lock.'Maybe this is my hell.' He thought.'My own unending tesseract of pristine hallways and ugly white doors with this rotund and overly cliché guard.'

As if the guard sensed his thoughts, he interrupted them to continue his bland iterations.

"Weird kid from the start.But everybody loves him."

"What happened?"Trowa ventured.

"Well, no one's quite sure."The man pulled a rather flat, disturbingly curved candy bar from his back pocket and ripped it open with his teeth as he ran his card through yet another access pad to yet another door.Trowa blanched at the increasingly sickening sound.It didn't help that the guard offered to share his butt-sculpted chocolate, holding it up with grubby, chubby fingers.Trowa shook his head.They continued.

"Best guess is he couldn't handle his old man's fortune.Poor kid's heir to the whole damn mess.The sisters, the fortune, the blood-sucking lawyers, the media leech-balls.Figured he couldn't take it.I sure as hell couldn't."

Another door.

"So, he up and left.Left a nice letter for his daddy and popped in here with a good old fashioned 'multiple personality disorder'."

"You mean he's faking it?"

"Heh!Oh god no.He's a genuine head case all right.We've got the reports to prove it.Damn beaurocracy.Swear to god, more of old man Winner's money's spent on the paperwork than his own son."

Trowa sighed in relief as they reached a gate to take them underground and to the next building.As long as there were no more damn doors for a while.He raised an eyebrow as he saw some of the chocolate that coated the man's fingers, transfer to the gate.'Funny, everything is so clean.There's no one around, but someone must be cleaning it up.' He thought.

"Is he dangerous at all?"

"What?Oh no, no, no."The man chuckled as they made their way along the gray sub-hall."He's a pacifist ya know.That boy's the gentlest soul you'll ever meet.It's probably better that he's here than out there.Wouldn't hurt a fly although…"

"Although?"Trowa pressed.

The guard shook his head and laughed.

"Nah.Better that you find out yourself.He's safe.We don't let the psych students work with the dangerous ones."

They entered a building that was a bit homier than the research center they had just left.Trowa looked around as they passed through an open area.There were various activity centers around the walls.Some were simple and child-like games like felt boards and puppets, but they were contrasted by incredibly challenging games and activities as well.There was an old tattered and overrun bookshelf with every thing from "The Pokey Little Puppy" and "Winnie the Pooh" all the way to "Tartuffe" and "Don Quixote."

Trowa smiled.'Maybe they understand his windmills'

"This is the dorm compound."The guard handed him a folder he had gotten from the nurse at the desk.

"That's a Quatre Raberba Winner's file.For this month anyway.Anything else, you can access online."

Trowa nodded.The guard continued as he took them down a hall to the elevator.

"You are allowed to address your patient and your patient only.If you talk to any of the others, we'll have to ask you to leave.If they talk to you, don't ignore 'em.Just dismiss them politely.Not like we don't trust you, but the doctor's here don't want you to disturb the balance.Tends to set back their work."

Trowa nodded again"Right."

"One more thing, kid.The patients here are not too wild, but they can be unpredictable.Just watch your back.Probably unnecessary, but you never know, you know?"

They stopped at a door.The Guard knocked twice on a door that was, by the sound, metal painted to look like wood, and opened the door.Trowa's brow furrowed as he realized that the room wasn't locked, though there was a large heavy lock on all of the doors in this hall.He looked questioningly at the guard.

"No.No locks for this one.He likes to flirt with the nurses when he's bored.Like I said, he's gentle as a lamb.Not to mention he's talented with uh… opening closed doors so there's really no point."

They walked into the room and Trowa got the first glimpse of the boy he would be studying for the next three days.

The boy's back was to them and he had stopped mid activity, only turning his head slightly, but not looking at them, waiting.He had the most amazing blond hair Trowa had ever seen on a boy.It was baby white-blond all the way to the roots and clipped short at the back, with long thick bangs.It shone with a green highlight under the bright fluorescents.He was dressed in simple black sweats and he seemed quite slender and pale.

"Quatre…" The guard smiled kindly, wiping his chocolaty hands on his navy uniform as if he felt suddenly self-conscious around the blond.Trowa couldn't help but feel that way himself.Quatre was… otherworldly.Quatre, however, did not move.Trowa couldn't quite tell from this angle, but he was pretty sure that the boy had a scowl on his face.The guard took a step forward.

"Come on angel.There's someone here to see you."

Trowa was a bit taken back by the guard calling a boy "angel" though somehow, it seemed a fitting title.It must have done something, because the boy turned his chair toward them.He was indeed scowling at them, but the guard seemed unruffled.

"This young lad is here to work with you for the rest of the week.Come and meet him."

"Hn."

The boy got up and approached them, hands at his sides.When he came to what he thought was close enough, he stopped and regarded Trowa with crossed arms.Trowa shrugged his shoulders to rid himself of the trance-like state he had fallen into since walking in.He held out his hand.

"My name is Trowa.Trowa Barton."

The boy regarded Trowa's slender hand as if it might explode if he touched it.Endless seconds passed and Trowa was beginning to feel uncomfortable under the cold gaze, his hand out in unreciprocated greeting, when the boy broke into the sunniest smile Trowa had ever seen.The boy straightened and grasped his hand tightly, pumping it with unchecked zeal.

"It's wonderful to meet you!My name is Quatre Raberba Winner."He said it with pride, and a voice that seemed the epitome of kindness and gentility.

The guard left them and Quatre invited his guest to sit with him at the round table at which he had been when they arrived.As Trowa approached the table, he looked down to see a laptop and what looked painfully similar to security camera pictures of this very building.Some of them were pictures of the same sterile white halls he himself had been passing through earlier, though he couldn't tell.Quatre looked at the tall boy's furtive stare and smiled, reaching over and shutting down the program.

"Sorry.That's Heero's.He gets bored and he likes to hack the system."

Trowa scrutinized the boy closely, but the golden smile remained.

"They let you have a laptop?"

"Well, I can't stab myself with it and I can't choke on it so they said it was ok!"Quatre shot back with a grin.Trowa didn't smile, but his eyes glittered with amusement.

"Do you think you should be messing with security?I mean, do they know?"Trowa asked blandly.

Quatre nodded avidly."Oh yes.Actually, they're quite appreciative.Heero's fixed the database countless times.He's practically a free System Admin.He's better than any of the contractors they bring in.He's wonderful."

Quatre smiled, reflecting.Trowa stared at him.'So one of him is named Heero is he?'

"Where's Heero now?"

Quatre frowned.

"Oh, he left when you came in.He doesn't warm to strangers… ever.He did say that he thought you were interesting.From Heero, that's a pretty good sign."

"I'm glad.Does he stay here with you?"

They sat down.

"Mm Hmm.Uh… he and Wufei usually sleep on the floor.I offer to sleep there once in a while, but they won't let me. They say I'm too bony."He rolled his eyes."Like they aren't."

"Wufei too?"

"Yep!He's Chinese.Heero's Japanese.They're both really quiet.I'm the talkative one."

Trowa smiled nervously.The blond kept catching his eyes, and Trowa found it disconcerting as hell.He wasn't too keen about eye contact, but his natural indolence betrayed him, allowing the shorter boy to look up under the concealing curtain of bangs and straight into his soul. He seemed to like what he found there, whatever it was.The blond smiled sweetly.Trowa decided to relax a bit in his professionalism.This boy obviously wanted to be friends and the point of the whole project was to establish a good communication with the patient.

"Are there any more of you?"

Quatre shook his head cheerfully, standing up and retrieving what appeared to be a small plug-in teapot and two cups from his little bookshelf. 

"Nope, it's just us.One big happy family of three.Though…sometimes we do get lonely."

He paused for a moment, reflecting, but he brightened before Trowa could question him.

"Would you like some tea Mr. Barton?"

"Call me Trowa.Yes please.Although we should get to work.I only have 3 hours a day to get to know you."

"Get to know me huh?I like you already."

"I'm glad."

Their eyes met and both froze for a moment before looking away.Flustered, Trowa opened his notebook.He watched the blond happily go about fixing tea for them both.He had, in fact, been thinking about afternoon tea since getting to the facility.He wondered if Quatre was empathic.Many empaths eventually wound up in these places.

"Ready Quatre?"

"Sure."Quatre nodded, filling the pot with water and plugging it in."Though you do seem to be a little young to be my new shrink."

Trowa began making preliminary notes in his book as he talked.

"I'm not.I'm a student.This is my field time."

Quatre smiled, or rather, his smile changed to slightly more pleased.As far as Trowa could tell, he never really stopped smiling, even when he was frowning.The Quatre part of him anyway.

"That's wonderful.I haven't seen many students lately.Heero got mad at the last one, so we got our 'visitor' privilege taken away for a while."

Trowa looked up.

"Why.What did yo… What did Heero do?"

Quatre smiled, acknowledging the slip, but dismissing it.

"Nothing harmful.He has a very skillful knowledge of joint locks.Causes pain, but doesn't damage anything permanently.He just forcefully showed the guy the door."

"Why?"

"He um.. insulted our sexual preference.Stupid really.He got himself kicked out of the program for that.Still, we're not allowed to be violent and that was, though harmless, cause enough for punishment."

"I see."

Trowa mentally kicked himself for being hopeful when Quatre voiced his sexuality.The boy was absolutely intoxicating and Trowa found himself wondering how that beautiful hair smelled.He shook himself and tried to concentrate.He settled for chastising himself with inner monologue.'No chance Trowa'. You don't have relations with patients.First rule.No matter what.You have to be objective.Not that this was a real psychiatric session.Still, Trowa was sure there would be rules against relationships with patients. 'He keeps looking at me though.'

Quatre got up and poured the tea, putting milk in Trowa's without having to ask.Guess that affirmed his telepathy.Trowa worried at how sensitive Quatre might be to thought, thinking that Quatre might sense his attraction to him.Quatre smiled as he set the tea down.

"I get images once in a while, in case you're wondering.I can sense emotions, but that's about all.It's not good for much except catching glimpses of things like you putting milk in your tea.Was I right?"

"Yes." Trowa found that he had been staring again, and he hastily looked down marking this in his notebook.He put the pen down and pulled the tea to him, reaching for a spoon.

"Although I like sugar in it too."

Quatre smiled and shrugged and leaned back in his chair.

"Like I said.It doesn't really work very well."

They stared at each other for a moment, Quatre's eyes sparkling with all his emotion.Trowa's eyes hiding his.Trowa decided to start off with something simple.

"Why don't you start offby telling me about your father?"

The boy's body language changed immediately.He sat up straight and put his hands on his lap so that they were facing outward, one on each leg.

"That's a rather textbook approach isn't it?"

Well, how weird is this?Do you like it so far?I got the idea from a really short little GW oneshot I read months ago.I wouldn't even know where to find it now, but it stuck in my head.This thing will only get stranger.Send me feedback!


	2. Gestalt 2

Gestalt 2

Gestalt 2

Trowa was momentarily bewildered as he realized that this was no longer Quatre.Rather, this was no longer this facet of Quatre.He couldn't quite tell which one this was though, if there really were only three.He sat there, unsure of what to say to voice his confusion without insulting the smaller boy.Quat… er whoever, seemed to realize this.

"Wufei."The boy provided."What is your answer?"

Trowa raised an eyebrow. 

"Where did Quatre go?"

"He's here."Wufei said, folding his arms."He just doesn't like talking about his father."

"Why not?"

"Why did you ask?"

'Great'.Trowa thought.'Questions answered with questions.'He shifted a bit and noted the change in his notebood.He looked questioningly at 'Wufei'.The boy smirked and elaborated.

"Why was your first question about Quatre's father?"

"That guard suggested that… that your father and his fortune could be a cause for your illness."

The boy looked at him sternly.

"Master Winner is not my father, he's Quatre's… and he is not 'ill' nor am I."

Wufei practically spat the word 'Ill'.

"Quatre's father is a good man.He has never been anything but kind to Quatre.His only failing in Quatre's eyes is his adamant and sometimes blind perpetuation of tradition…Something that I can understand with my heritage.However, Quatre has a different opinion.He believes that without change, we can not grow."

Trowa stopped writing.His pencil poised over the paper.

"Your heritage?You're… Chinese right?"

The boy nodded.

"Pure… and as such, I have a great respect for our traditions, but I am not a slave to them, nor is Quatre.He likes to take action, rather than trying to avoid it." 

'Wufei's lips almost quirked to a grin as he said this, but he controlled it and maintained his aloof expression.He continued, relaxing his features back into their calm, yet predatory stare and Trowa found that he couldn't help but feel trapped in that intense gaze. 

"Master Winner has always chided him for this, but he has never been unkind.Still, the man is determined to have a male heir, though almost any one of his 29 daughters are quite capable of taking the business over for him.That is one of the reasons we came here.It is Quatre's hope that if he is unavailable as an heir, that Mr. Winner will relent and change the will."

"That's what I was told.So it's true."Said Trowa.

Wufei nodded."By Treize no doubt.I'm not surprised he couldn't keep his mouth shut.The man has the self control of a lemming."

Trowa's laughter burst forth before he could stop it.The boy across from him smiled kindly.

"You have a beautiful smile Trowa."

Trowa stopped, his breath hitching in a tiny audible gulp as he realized that the boy had switched personalities again.

"Quatre."

He smiled brightly."You should smile more."

Trowa blushed."Um… thank you."He looked down, trying to hide that fact.Quatre laughed.

"You're so shy."

Quatre leaned forward and set his chin on folded arms on the table while he looked up.

"Why do you hide your eyes with your hair like that?"

"Well… people tend to stare at my eyes."

"Really?"

The blond reached up and lightly lifted the soft bangs with the back of his hands.As their eyes met yet again, Trowa's first instinct was to pull away, but he remained still.Usually people with multiple personalities were not crazy about touching.He didn't want to pull away and make Quatre's gesture seem unwanted.At the same time, the calm warmth of Quatre's eyes mesmerized him as they gazed into his.On his forehead, he could feel the slight heat radiate from the pale outstretched hand.A faint smell of hospital lotion entered his senses and suddenly, his own nervous breathing seemed unnaturally loud.He was so unaccustomed to close contact.Time seemed to slow as they faced one another.Quatre's voice was a bit lower as he spoke.

"It's no wonder Trowa.Your eyes are very different.But they look sad."

Trowa swallowed."I'm not."

Once again they shared that uncomfortable pause for several seconds, with Quatre searching his eyes, seeming satisfied, he pulled away and sat back, grabbing his tea.

"I don't think I've ever seen a green quite that shade before."

Trowa felt a bit drained.He didn't know quite how to handle this boy.He hardly knew him but they had just shared something that felt oddly personal and intimate.God it felt like he was in some sort of hybrid "Silence of the Lambs" or something.He didn't know how to react.He sincerely hoped that this was common in psychiatric sessions and that there was some way of dealing with a situation like this.

"Trowa?"

Trowa looked up.Quatre smiled and looked at him worriedly.

"Sorry.I know you want to ask some more questions.I tend to get sidetracked.It's just been so long since we've had someone new to talk to."

Trowa blinked, gathered his senses and tried to reclaim his confidence.

"That's ok.I don't mind talking.That's sort of the point of my assignment here anyway."

How so?

"We have to write an essay in client to patient communication."

Quatre leaned back, pulling his feet up onto the chair and hugging his knees as he nodded.

"You're a very good communicator Trowa.First impression anyway.Usually students come in here and treat me like a child.Then when they find out that just because I'm a patient doesn't mean I'm an idiot, they start throwing their diagnosis as to my 'condition' out.Wufei loves it.He ends up pulling their theory apart and disproving it and I just get bored.I think that you would be a good psychologist."

"I hope so."

"Well, what would like to know?"

Trowa took a sip of his own tea; it had a very exotic taste.Though it was almost white in color, it had a very light and delicate flavor and Trowa decided it must be some kind of tea sent from outside the facility.He took this moment to collect his thoughts and approach the other with some relevant questions without sounding too clinical.

"Unfortunately I haven't been able to look at your files yet.Maybe it would be best for me if you just told me a little about yourself, as well as your family and friends.I would like to know more about your father too, but I promise I won't incriminate him.I just want to know more about everyone."

Trowa quickly threw this last point in as he saw Quatre stiffen.He wasn't quite ready to talk to a different alter yet.Wufei had been somewhat intense and it seemed that Quatre was the dominant personality of the bunch so far.

Quatre relaxed.

" Thank you Trowa.I love my father very much, even if he is being an idiot right now.It's painful having to defend him to every new analyst that walks in here."

"I understand.But you have to admit Quatre; your father is an easy target.Most people with your condition have been through some sort of trauma, either physical or emotional.It's natural for a psychologist to suspect one of your parents."

Quatre frowned, but nodded, even as he was sipping his own tea.

"That's true, but my father has always been very kind to me.When I was young, he didn't spend much time with me, but he's always made sure I had the best care.I have my sisters who have been taking care of me all my life.Then there's Wufei and Heero."

The boy smiled.

"They've been my best friends since we were all very young.When my sisters weren't around, they would always come to play with me.They've always been very protective of me."

Trowa wrote this down; noting that the two alters had indeed shown up at an early age.A preliminary indication that Quatre might not be faking his illness.Trowa figured he would probably figure a lot of this out when he read the paperwork tonight, but he may as well approach this as if it he were meeting a new patient for today anyway.

"What about your mother?"

Quatre looked down and to the left, trying to remember.He bit his lower lip in thought.

"I don't think so.She died when I was very young.I don't really remember her, but in the dreams I've had of her she has always been kind."

"You dream about her?"

Quatre smiled softly.

"Yes. Though I can never really see her.Sometimes, though, when I close my eyes tightly and think of her, I think I can see her.It's kind of this Peter Pan thing.When you close your eyes tightly and just before those stars you see become black, I fancy I still have her image in my mind.It's never clear though."

While Quatre explained this, he seemed to drift a bit into his own world and he ended up acting out his fancy, squeezing his eyes shut, while still holding his mug in two small hands, before opening his eyes to look back at Trowa.Trowa found that he couldn't help but feel protective.

A sudden knock at the door shook them from their conversation before Quatre jumped up and hurried to answer it.A tall nurse stood in the hall.She was quite striking, with her mousy brown hair drawn up in harsh braided buns and thin glasses perched on her hawkish nose.She had a very intense look about her as she stood there holding a small clear plastic cup.

"Medication time Quatre."

Quatre took the cup and smiled charmingly at the nurse.

"Thank you Miss Une.You're prompt as usual."

Her features softened.She looked a bit worried.She glanced apprehensively at Trowa before lowering her voice and whispering to Quatre.Trowa acted indifferent, but strained to hear anyway.He couldn't hear what was being said between the two but he noticed when a flash of worry swept over Quatre's face and suddenly his whole body stiffened and his hands fisted at his side.Trowa heard the boy's voice lower quite drastically and suddenly it was very sure and commanding.

Trowa could only guess that something the nurse said had caused Heero to emerge.He supposed it could have been Wufei, but somehow this persona was different.Though Wufei was also intense and very formal, his self-carriage was more refined and gentle, whereas this other boy seemed more raw and wild.The familiar scowl was back from Trowa's first encounter and he couldn't help but respect the thoroughness and intensity of this alter compared to Quatre, as he asked questions in low tones and then dismissed the nurse curtly.

The boy closed the door and turned back into the room.He afforded a glance at Trowa as if to assess his position and make sure he was no threat before proceeding to the small adjoining kitchen to dump the pills in the sink and run the water to dissolve them into the drain.He was meticulous in this, even wiping the droplets out of the sink and refolding the towel.He walked back out and, suddenly, seemed to melt back into a relaxed stride as a kind smile stole across his face.Quatre once again. It seemed that Heero only stayed as long as was needed to take care of things before fading away again.

"I apologize.We have to wash the pills away so there's no evidence.Technically I don't have to take them, but the rule is that all patients get the allotted drugs depending on their condition.The staff has to follow it because no one has been able to get the policy changed yet, but they don't really want to administer it because it doesn't really help the patients.The management could change soon though and if that happens, it could be bad."

Trowa frowned as he remembered the fear that has passed over Quatre's features as well as the huge amount of white pills in that cup that he just washed down the drain. Did Quatre really belong in a place like this?

"Quatre, what are you doing here?"

Quatre grinned."Didn't someone tell you Trowa?I'm crazy."

Somewhere along the interview, Trowa had stopped taking notes and started doodling along the edge of the page, lost in his own fancy as he listened to Quatre.He frowned and looked at Quatre with some concern.

"You may need some help, but I can't help feeling that you're in the wrong place.Why did you check yourself into a mental ward when you could have just gone to a psychiatrist?"

Quatre sighed though his smile lingered.He crossed his legs under him in the chair he sat in and rested his chin on his hands as he faced the other.

"It's not too bad Trowa.The people here are very kind for the most part.The bottom line is that I don't really need any help.There's nothing wrong with me.The only thing wrong with me is that I don't want to be rich."

Trowa blinked.

"Pardon?"

"You talked to the guard and you talked to Wufei.My father wants me to inherit his fortune and run the family business and I think it's wrong.My sisters could do a far better job than I."

Quatre started to pick fitfully at his shirt in his lap as he continued a bit of anger creeping into his voice.

"I have at least 3 sisters who are perfectly willing and able to take hold of the family business.They've been working at it since they were old enough to learn the books, but my father is ready and willing to push them aside to let me take over should anything ever happen to him, just because I'm the only boy.It's infuriating."

Quatre looked up sheepishly.

"You know what I want to be?"

Trowa could not avoid mirroring that smile, waiting for an answer."

"I like the stars.I just want to be an astronomer."

A little of the anger returned.

"Having to take on a multi-trillion dollar empire makes my stomach clench into little knots every time I think about it.I never wanted anything to do with it.I came here because it offers some protection from that.As long as I'm in here, my father can't sign the company over to me without looking like a total fool.Eventually, he'll have to realize that my sisters are the better choice. The only choice." 

Trowa stared incredulously over his cup of cold tea.

"That's a drastic way of going about it don't you think?"

The blond crossed his arms and shot Trowa dark look.

"You don't know my father Trowa.Don't you think I tried to convince him?This was the only option I really had at the time."

"Then are you saying that this was all one big setup?"

Quatre nodded."I admit it's risky, but I had to do it.It was either this, or jail… and I wasn't about to do anything drastic enough to get myself locked up.There was really no other choice… is something wrong?"

Trowa had just been staring.The blond looked up at him, complete innocence on his face.What was he playing at anyway?Trowa swallowed the tea sitting on his tongue.

"Well first of all, I'm wondering why you're telling me all of this."

Quatre shrugged.

"It's not like it's a huge secret.I never tell the real doctors but a lot of the staff knows.Besides, there's something about you that I trust."He grinned. "Probably the eyes.I think I trust you to understand why I'm doing it… besides, there's not much you could do if you did tell anybody."

"Then you made this whole thing up?"

"What whole thing?"

"Heero and Wufei."

"What about them Trowa?"

"You made them up?"

Quatre looked at him owlishly for a moment, blinking and then answered slowly, as if it would help Trowa to understand.

"Wufei and Heero helped me do this.They came with me so I wouldn't be alone."

TBC

Are you confused?I hope you liked this part.I've gotten such incredible feedback.Let's see if I can keep you guys interested.


	3. Gestalt 3

Gestalt 3

***

Gestalt 3

By [Caer][1]

*****

"It totally threw me off."

Catherine stared at her brother fondly as he puttered about the kitchen, making dinner and talking the whole time.It had always been this way.Trowa hardly talked to anyone, but when she came to visit, it was hard to shut him up… not that she would want to.She smiled as he chopped the onions, sniffing and talking as his eyes watered a bit and his cheeks took on a very cute little blush.Even at 19 and as tall as he was, he sometimes managed to look like a cute little kid.Thinking realistically though, she was probably the only person who would think that.In her eyes, her little brother would always be her little brother.She shrugged her light jacket off in the stiflingly hot apartment.Looked like the air conditioning was broken again.Either that or Trowa hadn't fixed it from before.

"Cath, he actually thinks that they're real."

"Well isn't that what Dissociative Identity's do?"

She set her elbows on the part of the rickety kitchen table that wasn't covered by psychology books as she sipped her wine.Trowa threw the onions into the pot on the stove and raised his voice to compensate for the hiss that ensued as they fried in the butter.

"Well yeah, but it's more convoluted than that.He actually thinks that there's nothing wrong with him."

"Well isn't _that what they do?"_

"No, well yeah… but he doesn't realize that they're only parts of his own mind."

"Trowa."

Trowa looked up from his can of tomato sauce and blinked.So cute.

"You know if you talked to people more you might learn how to make sense."

Trowa rolled his eyes and went back to his cooking.The smell of onions and baking bread filled the tiny apartment with a feeling of pleasant comfort.The place was so small that the dining room had been created from one corner of the living room… tastefully separated by a big entertainment center that split the tiny room in half.A single hall led to an even tinier bedroom.The boy seemed completely at home, however.After all, he had been used to living in trailers all his life.This was a luxury.

Catherine continued to watch her brother with admiration as he stirred what would hopefully develop into an edible spaghetti sauce.Every time she came to visit, he seemed to have grown, not in stature, but in spirit.Though he was still the shy, quiet, broken boy they had found so many years ago, he had gained a lot of confidence and a better sense of himself, though he still had a ways to go.He himself probably didn't even realize it but Catherine did and her pride knew no bounds. She just wished that he wasn't so lonely.However, Trowa seemed utterly fascinated with this new boy he had met.It was nice for once, to hear him talk about his life instead of the usual reminiscing and her going on all night about her circus woes.

Trowa turned back to her as he sliced some bread.

"I talked to some of the staff.There's this Nurse Une.She looks like she could be that nurse from "One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest" except she's really nice.She just has this harsh look about her.Anyway, she said that most of the regular staff knows what he's trying to do and that they agree with it, but at the same time he's still sick.He… he's pretending to be crazy, but he actually is… or something like that."

"I thought it wasn't politically correct to use the term 'crazy'."

"I don't know how else to say it."

"So he doesn't know about his other personalities?"

"Well that's one of the strange thing too.He does know.I think that all three alters are aware of each other.That's not usually the case.No, he believes that they both exist… that they came with him to the institute to keep him company."

"Trowa you're tomato sauce is spattering."

"Damn it!"

He turned back to the sauce and Cathy smiled, while he attempted to readjust the temperature of the stove and wondered if she should feel lucky that a good portion of the food was now on it and not in the pot.Trowa had never been keen on the whole domestic scene.The last visit, he had attempted to feed her tomato soup and Ritz.It couldn't be that bad though could it?After all, who could ruin spaghetti sauce?Hmmm…..

She looked down at the mess that was currently scattered on the rickety table.With about 7 giant textbooks piled on top of each other and open to information about Dissociative Identity Disorder all nicely blanketed by a disastrous layer of papers all bearing the label of Case # L4-06E3-Winner, Quatre she was surprised that the poor aging piece of furniture didn't retreat downward to its splintery demise from the weight.

"Trowa, are you sure you should be telling me this?Isn't there some sort of non-disclosure rule attached to talking to patients?"

"Well, kind of.They didn't say anything about it at the clinic, but I kind of figured that there was some rule.That whole place seems like it's stuck back in the last century.I mean, they're still distributing pacifying drugs like Chloral Hydrate to pacify patients, even if they don't need it.Still, I won't go around talking to everyone about it, but I figured you wouldn't mind."

He looked up from his cooking.

"You won't tell anyone will you?"

"No, of course not."

He nodded."Good, thanks.I don't know, I just had to talk about it.It helps me think things out."

"You know you can always talk to me Trowa.I won't say anything.Besides, most of the staff in Le Cirque D'etoils have probably been in that institution."

Trowa laughed softly and Catherine smiled.She turned back to the melee on the rickety excuse for a table.

"Do you want me to clear this off so we can set the table?"

"No, I have it organized."

Catherine stared down at the interwoven mess, eyebrow raised.She shrugged.

"I suppose we can just eat on the couch."

"Yeah.I have TV trays, that way I don't have to eat at the dinner table."

"Of course you don't."She coddled.

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that."He said, his back to her, silently slicing.

"Trowa, you're not putting green olives in that are you?"

"What's wrong with that?"

"Gross."

He smiled."You always say that and you always eat them anyway."

"Well I'm trying to argue a principal.Normal people don't put green olives in spaghetti sauce."

Trowa looked up and shook his head.

"I'll never understand you."

~

Trowa let himself wander from their movie as he thought back to the events of the day.What was it about that boy?He was so… different, beautiful, a confusion, an enigma.He seemed so… rational, sensible, like a normal kid.Trowa could easily see him as an acquaintance at school.He smiled.That would be interesting.In the library, you would find Wufei… studying for a test or curled up in a chair in the middle of the non-fiction, gobbling up knowledge, for the sheer enjoyment of learning.In the lab, he would be Heero, picking apart code and hacking the intranet firewalls.Out in the schoolyard, he would be Quatre, smiling and chatting with friends, wanted by a ton of girls and at least a couple of boys.He would be shining and outgoing and popular.In the real world, he would be totally out of Trowa's league.Trowa sighed.

"Trowa?"

"Hmm?"

He looked over and saw his sister looking at him with hurt in her eyes and realized that it was merely a reflection of his own sudden sadness.

"You've been nibbling at the edge of that olive for a long time.Are you all right?"

Catherine put a hand on his arm, but he quickly donned a little smile.

"I'm ok.I was just thinking about that boy."

"You really like him."

"He's interesting."Trowa said, the emotion gone from his face.

"No, it's more than that.Do you like him Trowa?"

"It's strange."He said, contemplating the olive skewered on the tip of his fork as he spoke."I only met him today.He is attractive, but there's more than that.I felt so uncomfortable when we were close, and whenever I looked into his eyes, I would freeze.I felt so stupid and clumsy.I thought it was just because I was afraid of him."

Catherine smiled and ran her fingers lovingly through his bangs.He looked at her with that utterly vulnerable look that only she was ever really privileged to see.He was so guarded any other time.

"But, it's more than that." She said.

"I think it is."

"Does he like guys Trowa?"

"He seemed to intimate that."

"That's great!"

Trowa let out a short burst of laughter.

"Right, that's just perfect Cath!The first guy I've been really attracted to for a long time and who seems to be at least somewhat interested in me and he's insane."

Catherine couldn't help but laugh a little.Trowa frowned and finally ate the olive, chewing it crossly.

"He doesn't sound too bad."

"Well, he's not Norman Bates, but he's certainly not normal."

"Trowa, you're from the circus.You're used to 'not normal.'Would you rather I introduce you to the fakir we just hired?"

Trowa couldn't help but smile."You mean Abdul the magnificent?Ew no thank you."

"Aw, come on Trowa, it's really attractive… the way he drives those spikes up his nose."

Trowa grimaced."Actually, I would be attracted to him a little if it weren't for that.I think he thinks it's a turn on of some sort.He does it in plain sight every time I'm there."

"He is pretty cute though.I would go out with him."

"At least he dresses nice.He doesn't wear a diaper like the last one."

They were both grinning like idiots now and Trowa sighed and put his fork down and Catherine grabbed his hand.

"We miss you at the circus Trowa."

"I know.I miss you guys too."

"Feeling better?"

Trowa nodded and sighed.

"I just don't know what to do.I've never felt this way about someone… but I hardly know the guy."

"Trowa."He turned feebly toward the one person who seemed to understand him, head bowed.She gathered him in a tight hug and he sagged against her with another dramatic sigh.She rolled her eyes and rubbed his back."Trowa, if you think you really like him then test the waters.If you're sure, then stay with him.Maybe he's got some problems now, but he won't have them forever will he?Especially if he has someone to care about him."

Trowa moved back and crossed his arms.

"This is stupid.I don't even know if I like him like that.Maybe he just made me nervous because I didn't want to provoke him.I thought you were supposed to just know these things."

"Only in musicals Tro.The rest of the world has to fumble through it on their own."

They stared at each other for a while."Raging Bull" had long been forgotten as they communicated across the silence as only close siblings can.

"That was really corny."

"I know.But it makes sense doesn't it?"

"Yeah."

A few more moments of understanding before Catherine jumped up.

"I've gotta go.I've got to get at least some sleep tonight.I'm throwing tomorrow.If Auda knows I stayed up this late, he won't want to be the target."

"Get Abdul to do it.At least he doesn't feel pain."

"Funny."

Trowa chuckled and helped his sister bundle into her coat.

"Thanks Cath."

She grabbed her purse and gave him a fierce hug as she half-whispered into his ear.

"Maybe nothing will come of it, but don't let the chance slip by just because you're scared.True love is a true miracle.You and I should know.We work miracles all the time."

Trowa nodded.

"If you want, you can crash here tonight.If you need the extra sleep."

She kissed his cheek, being too short to kiss the top of his head like she used to, when he was smaller.She cringed.

"I think I'll brave the lumpy bed in my trailer thank you.It's too damn hot here."

***

Trowa lay in his tiny, dimly lit bedroom, trying to sleep.Unfortunately, the events of the day and the talk with his sister wouldn't let his mind rest.This, combined with the small apartment being unbearably hot only exacerbated the situation. 

Quatre Raberba Winner.He was beautiful, rich, friendly and kind.Yet, somewhere in his young life, he had split apart inside.What had happened to shatter such a sweet boy? It bothered Trowa more than he liked to admit.He felt a disjointed anger that anyone could hurt a young boy like that.Had he been sexually abused?If so, by whom?If it really wasn't his father, was it someone else in the family?An uncle?A servant?Wouldn't his father have known?Of course, the Winner millionaire was probably pretty busy.He could have been deceived.Dissociative Identity Disorder was almost always the result of intense and prolonged abuse, either physical, emotional or psychological.What could possibly have happened to him to break him so?

Even then, Trowa didn't think the blond needed to be institutionalized.He seemed to be lucid and rational.He certainly didn't seem to be violent, nor did any of his alters… though Heero could be a threat.Still, there were lots of cases of DID victims living with their alters and dealing with the affliction and still living relatively normal lives.

Of course Quatre did check himself in for a reason.

Trowa snorted and turned back on his back, looking up at the ceiling.A soft breeze blew in through the small window beside the bed, cooling the hot room.

'Why do I have the worst luck when it comes to romance?Do I love him?Or do I just feel sorry for him?Or is it just the convenience?After all, he's the first guy who's been interested since…Would I just be using him?Letting myself be his crutch just so he'll like me?Just so I'll finally have someone to hold me?'

"Arrgh!"He tossed violently, sighing and hitting the pillow with his head.Why couldn't he just go to sleep and forget about this?He threw off the sheet and took off his boxers.It was so damned hot!He lay in the nude in the dimly lit bedroom, the blue of night tinting his room as he tried to breath and concentrate on the slightly cooler air that floated in and caressed his sweltering flesh.

God he needed to sleep.

He brushed his fingers lightly along his penis and jumped as an unexpected moan escaped his lips.He suddenly realized that he was already partially aroused.He began to stroke himself lightly, wondering if it would help him sleep.Or was it just too hot for even that?He grasped himself and began to stroke a bit harder, pictures of the striking blond flashing through his mind.

He stopped.

God that was terrible.

He didn't even know the kid and he was all ready to crudely fantasize about him while he jacked off.It just didn't seem right.

Disgusted, Trowaturned on his side and pulled his long legs up into a curled position, wrapping his arms around them.He wanted to, but he couldn't bring himself to fantasize about this kind boy he hardly knew.Now, if he tried to satisfy his need, he would end up thinking of the blond and it seemed a disrespect.He stared up at the ceiling trying to ignore his partial arousal andwatched the fan blades above him spinning, doing very little to cool the small room.

Sometime later he finally fell asleep.

~

"He could be trouble."

"Not necessarily.He has at least been fair."

"He's beautiful.I like him."

"Quatre, you can't take in every lost soul who bats his eyes at you.He's an intelligent kid."

"And I'm not?"

"That's not what I meant.I just don't want him to take advantage of you."

"Give him a chance Heero."

"I'm suspicious."

"You're always suspicious."

"I still like him.There's something about him.He's so lonely."

"I like him too Heero."

"All right then.We'll give him a try.In the end, it will be up to him anyway."

TBC…

   [1]: mailto:dkaer1@qwest.net



	4. Gestalt 4

Gestalt 4

Sorry!Sorry.These last two weeks have been hell!70 hour workweeks and jerky men and my car getting towed, crashed into, stolen, found and towed again... illegally.I'm not having a nervous breakdown yet, though so yay me eh?

Anyway I have a warning... lots of talking and philosophy and goooood lord I hope I don't confuse anyone too much.Will be anxious to hear what you have to say.This part is pretty long too.

Love Y'all!

Gestalt 4

By Caer

Trowa made his way through the underground tunnel into the psychiatric wing of the hospital.He was unaccompanied now, as he had acquired the necessary access card the day before.The recreation room was full of activity as the tall boy made his way through and though some of the patients looked on listlessly in a haze of forgetfulness, most of the people in the room were enjoying themselves in their various activities.One child, probably autistic was calculating some relatively intricate equations on an electronic math aid.A little girl with red hair and startling green eyes sat happily drawing a picture.Trowa stopped to scrutinize it as he recognized the subject matter… at least, he thought he did.The picture was that of a blond boy with blue eyes wearing black sweats.He was talking to a girl in white.The picture was very well done for a child so young. Though spatially a bit skewed, the detail was quite intricate.Trowa looked up and saw that the two subjects of the art were in fact, talking at the front desk.Quatre was standing straight, his hands folded loosely behind his back as he conversed in earnest with the short black haired receptionist across the desk. 

Trowa was startled when the child looked up at him with big, sweet eyes.He tried not to stare at the ugly scar that ran down her forehead at a jagged angle and looked at the picture instead.Her eyes traveled from his eyes, to the picture and back again.She smiled.

"Tenshi!"She said in a soft sweet voice.Trowa smiled and nodded.When she turned back to the picture, he quickly started again toward the front desk, remembering the warning from the guard the day before.

As he made his way forward, the boy threw him an offhand glance, but continued to listen attentively to the distraught receptionist.

"I don't care how smart she is.I know she's our new manager, but she can't come waltzing in here and turn everything upside down."

"Mmm…This Dorlian girl is obviously trying to overcompensate for her youth.She's afraid you won't take her seriously."

"I don't care what the hell her issues are either Wufei.You don't stir things up in a fu… in an institution.The patients are delicate enough without an insecure ego running through the place, causing trouble."

"You don't think you're overreacting?"

"You'll know when I'm overreacting Dragon.There's going to be trouble if she keeps doing what she's doing and not listening to us."

"Unfortunately Hilde, I tend to agree.No good can come of this."

"What do you think we should do?"

The boy finally looked up and met Trowa's eyes.Trowa almost looked away, but kept still.The other's eyes moved over his, searchingly.They never strayed though he directed his next words at the nurse.

"Keep the patients out of the way until she settles in.I will help, but we will discuss it later.I have to go now.I have an appointment."

Trowa continued to meet the steady gaze, training his own features to show no emotion.

"Hello Wufei."

Hilde smiled at Trowa and winked.Then she turned back to the blond boy. 

"Wufei, things could get ugly.She's trying to implement processes that we ignore for a reason.Eventually something is going to go wrong.You should watch out for yourself too."

Wufei nodded.

"Sometimes, Hilde, one must let things get worse in order to open the eyes of those who are blind. It's best to wait.Just try to keep the patients out of the way.Don't stir up trouble and get yourself written up."

Hilde sighed, playing with her phone cord listlessly.

"I guess you're right."

The boy turned to Trowa and gave a slight bow, gesturing down the hall toward his room.

"Shall we?"

Trowa nodded and they made their way back to the familiar room.They walked leisurely.Trowa's patient still walked tall, his hands behind his back in a state of deliberate unguarded ness.

"So, what theories have you come up with since our talk yesterday?"

"Sorry?"

"You've had some time to think about things.I'm curious to know what you've deduced from yesterday to now."

"You mean my theories about your condition."

"If you must call it that.Just because we are patients, does not mean we can't do our homework.Quatre may find it boring, but I'm fascinated by psychoanalytical theory.We might as well be honest with each other."

Trowa frowned.This boy was disturbingly rational.He tried to pull his thoughts together quickly as they strolled down the hall.Wufei could be so disquieting.He was extremely intelligent and though he didn't seem to, he had a way of going for your throat intellectually.

"Well… I haven't had time to form any solid theories yet, but I think that if Quatre is trying to compensate for any weaknesses he has, or thinks he has, it's his kindness."

"Ah, but Quatre would never see kindness as a weakness."

"Not consciously maybe.But in being kind, you hate to do certain things.He dislikes being judgmental of anyone.Though he knows what is right and what is wrong, he doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.You have the strength to make the judgements and not feel bad about it."

Wufei smiled indulgently. 

"I see.Well that explains me I suppose, but what about Heero?"

They had come to the door now, but the boy waited for Trowa's answer before he made a move to let them inside.Trowa looked down in thought.

"I'm not quite sure about Heero yet, but I think it has to do with control.Taking control is always bound to create tension and confrontation.Heero represents the strength Quatre needs to be in command when it's needed."

Trowa looked up and saw an almost proud smile on the boy's lips.

"That's a more intelligent hypothesis than I have heard from most students who come through here.It's wrong of course.We are much more than that.Still, I'm impressed.Most student theories are, of course directed at Master Winner, but I have never heard someone use Quatre's kindness as the catalyst for a multiple personality disorder.Creative."

"You think I'm wrong?"

Again, an amused smile.

"Oh, we are the crazy ones.We cannot be our own psychoanalysts can we?Jobs would be lost.Ours is not to say.Ours is but to eat Jell-O and take our medication.As long as you believe without a doubt that we are crazy, we cannot convince you otherwise.The same goes for you though Trowa.Though we ask you to open your mind, ours remains closed upon the assumption that we are what we are and subsequently you cannot convince us otherwise.It is a Catch 22 in a way, as religion is to atheism.The only way you can transcend is to be overcome by the desire to be a part of something bigger."

At this, Wufei opened the door and motioned politely for Trowa to enter.

"I told you he liked to talk."

Trowa suddenly found gentle eyes looking back at him.He didn't even notice his own small smile, it came so fast at the sight.Quatre laughed and slung an arm casually around Trowa's waist, guiding the tall boy into the room before letting go and closing the door.

"You look so cute when you smile.It makes you look younger… not so sad."

Trowa would have had a retort for that comment but it was stopped fast by the condition of Quatre's room.

It was as it was the day before, with it's small round lounging table, the bookshelf with various books and appliances, the small one-person bed and the round mirror on the wall, but now, the formerly pristine white walls of the room were covered with palm sized black dots.Trowa stared.

"What's going on here?"

"You like it?"Quatre smiled."It's for Maremeia. She's one of the little girls here.Her birthday is tomorrow so we're having a party for her in here.It was Wufei's idea.She adores him and he wanted to do something special for her.We were going to have it out in the activity room, but the new manager is kind of … um, strict, but Heero set up the camera's to hide everything.Meia will be so excited.Hilde's even bringing cake!"

Trowa moved closer to examine one of the dots.The shape was rather odd.It looked a lot like two hippos dancing.

"Quatre, these are…"

"Rorschach dots… I know."He laughed."Our last analyst let us keep a set… but Maremeia likes 101 Dalmatians, so we decided to sacrifice them to the party.Wufei loved the idea… the irony.I just can't wait to see her face.I don't think she's ever had a birthday party…"

Quatre didn't speak for a moment and Trowa turned as he heard the smaller boy swallow.The blond was looking rather sad and Trowa felt pulled toward him.He moved close and put a hand on one shoulder.

"Quatre?"

Quatre looked up and smiled weakly.

"Sorry.Sometimes I feel bad about being here.I'm using it as an escape, but there are real patients who need real help.If I just did what my father wants and accepted my inheritance, I could use that money to help them, to help this hospital.The government doesn't care how they're treated.We can't even get money to fix the plumbing in the bathrooms, but all of the staff just got brand new cards.The money is being wasted on beurocracy and top-heavy management, while the patients eat sub-standard food and can barely get the help they need.I feel so selfish."

The blond said this with such disgust, Trowa started.This was the first real feeling of self-degradation from the boy.He spoke softly.

"You shouldn't.You… you're very kind Quatre.I believe in what you're doing.I think everyone does. Besides, you wouldn't know about them if you hadn't come.Once your father relents, you'll be able to help them."

Quatre looked up and into Trowa's eyes again.Only, this time, Trowa didn't feel so vulnerable.It felt comfortable now, to stare into the sparkling pools and Trowa stood entranced as they flickered and swirled, seeming to change fleetingly between Wufei's calm, to Heero's ferocity and back to Quatre's warmth and they seemed to blend together hypnotically until, suddenly Trowa felt himself being kissed.At first his eyes widened in shock, but as hard as he tried, he couldn't pull away, lost in the sensation of being touched so intimately until his own eyes closed of their own volition.Strong hands gripped his arms fiercely and pulled him closer, but lips were gentle and clever, moving over his, becoming light, then forceful, and then light again.

When they pulled away, they stared, their arms lingering, entwined together.Trowa suddenly felt ashamed.He had just taken advantage of a patient… well, the patient had in fact kissed him, but he had done nothing to prevent it.Quatre too, seemed suddenly embarrassed.He pulled away.

"I'm sorry Trowa."

"No… no.It was me.I should have stopped it."

The blond shook his head, bangs swaying prettily over the pale forehead. 

"I shouldn't have pushed it.Even in other circumstances… it's too soon.I'm sorry."

"Quatre…"

Both boys stood, heads bowed as they tried to think of something to say to fix what had just happened.Quatre spoke first.

"Maybe we should work on your report."

"Yeah."Trowa sighed and looked up."We should go out in the common area."

Quatre tried not to meet his eyes.

"Right."

***** 

"Do you daydream of fantasize a lot?"

Quatre smiled and played with a rubix cube he had grabbed on the way through the commons.The two were seated in armchairs at a small table.Quatre was relaxed and draped across the chair sideways as he played.Trowa on the other hand, was finding it difficult to sit up to ask his questions as he kept sinking into the comfortable chair.He finally relaxed and leaned back as he listened to the boy's answers, setting his book and paper in his lap so he could continue to take notes.

"I suppose so.I have a pretty healthy fantasy life."

"Do you often have nightmares?"

Quatre nodded.He kept his eyes on his rubix cube.

"Sure.Sometimes I have nightmares, but I never remember them.Heero holds me on nights like those.If I can't go back to sleep, Wufei and I talk all night.I think it's from stress… about my father.I'm afraid he'll find a way to get me out of here and force me to accept my inheritance."

"Do you hear voices?"

"Of course not."

Trowa looked up, a little worry in his eyes.He scanned what he could of the boys wrists hidden under the black sweatshirt.

"Do you ever try to hurt yourself?"

Quatre shook his head, sighed and swung his legs.

"No.Trowa?Why are you asking me these questions?You had to have read the last analysis.Do I have do go through this again?"

Trowa watched the uninterested teen twist the cube this way and that, trying to put the colors together.He sighed.This assignment was beginning to be a hindrance, now that he wanted to know Quatre as a friend… and so much more, but a friend at least.

"Quatre, I know it's boring, but this is part of my assignment.Besides, oftentimes your answers change as you remember certain things, or change your mind about what you're not sure about."

Quatre sighed, annoyed.

"No.I'm not suicidal.That's stupid.Wufei says it's cowardly.I tend to agree."

"So do I.Do you have a hard time making decisions?"

"Sometimes.I leave most of that to Wufei, but it's not like I'm terrified of it.I just prefer to leave it to someone else."

"Have you forgotten a lot of your childhood?"

"Not really.As much as anyone else I guess… well, that's not entirely true.I don't remember much about my mother's death.But I think any kid would block that out to some degree."

"Have you ever been abused as a child?Not by your father but anyone that you can remember?Sisters?Servants?"

"No.Not at all.I'm pretty sure I would remember that."

Trowa wrote down this answer and suddenly stopped.Quatre looked over and sat up.

"What?"

Trowa blushed a bit.

"Um… the next question is about your sex life, but if you've been here for two years, I guess I know the answer to that."

Quatre nodded.

"Wufei and Heero and I have been together for at least 3 years… as lovers I mean.We've been friends for so long."

Trowa blinked.Quatre smiled and continued to work the colorful cube.

"Um… what?"

Quatre looked over slyly.

"You heard me.We have been lovers for quite a while."

Trowa tried to wrap his head around that one and found that he wasn't sure what to say.

"But Quatre, that's not possible."

"Why not?"The blond looked at him innocently, but Trowa could see the searching within his eyes.He tried to choose his words carefully.

"But Quatre, they're not… Wufei and Heero are only facets of you.Surely you must understand what the hospital has you diagnosed with."

"Dissociative Identity Disorder"Quatre recited, rolling his eyes."When a person perceives themselves, or are perceived by others as having two or more distinct and complex personalities.Trowa, I'm not an idiot.I told you.I'm using this to stay away from my father, but I don't accept the hospital's diagnosis.It's wrong."

"Quatre… Wufei and Heero aren't real."

The blond shot Trowa an angry look, before his eyes cleared to the calm and preying gaze that could only be Wufei's.

"You think I am not real Trowa?"

Trowa gulped.Now he felt guilty.It was crazy.Wufei looked at him knowingly.He spoke softly, but with a driven and disconcerting intensity.

"Perhaps you should examine yourself Trowa Barton… before you make blind assumptions about other people.Do you have fantasies?"

Trowa couldn't help but think of last night and tried not to blush.

"Of course I do.Everyone does."

"Do you have flashbacks and nightmares sometimes?"

Trowa glared, but couldn't maintain eye contact with those eyes that seemed to understand him so well.He looked down.

"Yes."He whispered.

He could glimpse the lounging boy in his peripheral vision and noted that although the eyes and body seemed calm, the boy's hands continued to work the rubix cube angrily.Wufei's voice continued to fill his ears though.

"Have you ever tried to kill yourself?"

Trowa nodded.

"Have you ever been abused as a child?"

Again, Trowa gulped and shook his head.

"Not really… but my parents abandoned me when I was 6."

Wufei nodded and leaned forward, putting a hand on Trowa's.The tall boy looked up, once again concentrating on not pulling his hand away.Wufei's eyes had become softer and somewhat apologetic.

"You're also loathe to touch people Trowa Barton.You've obviously been hurt before."

Trowa nodded.Wufei squeezed his hand.

"I'm sorry that I brought up bad memories, but you see, you're just as hurt, if not more so by your own past than Quatre is by his.Heero and I have been his friends for a very long time.We have already explored what we are.The three of us are just as real as you are, and yes, we are lovers."

Trowa shook his head.None of this made sense.He was losing an argument with a figment of someone's imagination.He once again mustered his wits and tried to regain his ground in what was real and what was not.

"But Wufei, it's not reality.You're not real… you're a facet of Quatre's psyche.You seem real, but you're just a different part of him… the part that knows how to rationalize things and explain his fears.You can't be his lover."

"You're wrong." The reply came in a flat, disinterested tone.The passion that usually tinged Wufei's rich voice was now gone and Trowa looked up to see the wild and emotionless eyes of…

"Heero?"He asked tentatively.

"Hn."

"What do you mean, 'I'm wrong'?"

"Try looking at us with your own eyes, not everyone else's.Don't you trust your own emotions?You're trying to enforce us with beliefs that don't compute.They don't make sense for us.You say we're one person, but where's your proof?"

"Are you serious?You're only one body.Why else would there only be one bed?"

"No choice.You enforce rules on us based on your own beliefs.All we're trying to do is live within your constraints."

"Why?"

Heero continued blandly.By his body language, he would have looked bored, if not for the intensity in his eyes.

"There are more of you.It's pointless in our case to fight a popular opinion when we are outnumbered.Quatre hates to fight anyway, so we deal with it."

"But I can only see one of you."

Heero shrugged."That's your problem.Do you believe everything you see?"

Trowa shook his head."No."

"Haven't you talked to all three of us?"

"I…No."

A barely perceptible twitch in Heero's cheek was the only indication he was enjoying the conversation and its effect on the tall boy.

"And that is a view that you have enforced based on your own personal beliefs.You're not sure though.Someone else would have answered 'yes' just as easily.You almost did."

"I am talking to one person."

"And we are three people talking to you."

"You know that's not the truth."

Heero snorted.

"Truth.To someone else, God is truth, but to me it is their belief and not truth.That doesn't mean that it's not true.It's still true, but only for them.Understand?"

"I… I don't know."Trowa shook his head and sighed.He was losing this battle no matter which way he approached it.He had stopped writing.Now he simply doodled along the edge of the paper as he tried to rationalize his own perceptions."But it isn't normal."

Heero raised an eyebrow. 

"Who's to say what the 'norm' should be.What you call my fantasy, is completely my reality.Trowa, for all you know, you could be nothing but a brain trapped in a life-like virtual reality, being run by an intricately designed program.At some point, you have to assume that certain things are real in order to get on with your life.Otherwise, we would never get out of bed for all the questions.Is this bed real, or is it a figment of my imagination?Or perhaps, the bed is the only real thing, but if I leave it, I will be thrown into a dark abyss of the unknown if the floor is in fact, not real.If scientists had not 'assumed' that the atom was real, they never would have been able to make nuclear advances.Proof came later.That's why physicists can't make coffee."

"Why what?"

Heero waited a beat.

"They overanalyze.They can tell you the precise molecular make-up of the coffee and the parts of the machine, and probably the science behind heat and absorption, but try getting one of them to figure out how to fix it and they'll sit there and stare at the thing until someone feels sorry enough for them to make it themselves."

Trowa blinked.He blinked again.He spoke.

"That was a joke."

Heero's said nothing.

Trowa laughed out loud, nervously.It was one of the most absurd things he had heard and it was coming from Heero.The serious one.Heero watched him fondly as he laughed.

"Hn."

Trowa pressed his hand against his head in consternation.His thoughts were spinning and he couldn't organize them fast enough to refute with a plausible argument.

"Um… Where were we?"

"All I'm saying,"Heero said "is that just because you don't see what we are, doesn't mean that you're not the one hallucinating."

Trowa sighed."In other words, there is no such thing as reality."

"Exactly."

Heero smiled back.He threw the rubix cube to Trowa, who caught it, noting that it was complete.All the colors had been organized… but by whom, he wondered.

****


	5. Gestalt 5

Title: Gestalt

Author: Caer Note: Hi! Well, I'm back to 3x4 for a bit. This fic has been sitting on my drive for a while. I decided I really needed to get it finished before I start anything else. Let me know what you think.

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: Weirdness, Yaoi, Lemon (eventually) Some OOC for the supporting characters.

Pairings: 3x4

Status: Complete (Part 5)

Disclaimer: Feedback is so desired. Don't own anything. Not making money, just losing sleep.

Howard was a kind man.

He was a good man... a man with finesse, sophistication... a man in control.

He made his way cheerfully down the hallway, smiling at the patients in friendly greeting. He made things a little bit happier when he walked through the halls, always polite and humorous. He always thought of others. He chatted amiably with the orderly who accompanied him. The man was going to be a father soon and Howard congratulated him and recounted stories of his own siblings and when they were born. He stopped at one of the rooms and peeked into the open door, a mischievous grin on his face. A little girl with red hair sat on the bed coloring. Howard smiled fondly. He looked at his watch, waiting for the second hand to hit the twelve before strolling in.

"Maremeia!"

The girl looked up and her eyes lit with excitement.

"Howard!"

He came in and sat down with her. Children loved him.

"That's a very pretty picture Maremeia."

The girl nodded. "It's for Mister Quatre."

Howard smiled and patted her on the head. He smiled at the orderly who sat outside watching him. The orderly smiled back and winked.

"What a sweet girl you are. I brought you something."

The girl opened her mouth wide in amazement before smiling excitedly.

"For my birthday?"

"For your birthday."

"Oh, thank you! You remembered!"

He took a quick look at the time, and then gave her another quick squeeze.

"How could I forget? Now, I couldn't wrap it, but they let me order it special, just for you."

With this he pulled a small case from his bag. It was a little yellow plastic case with a treasure of hidden contents. Maremeia took it elatedly and set it down on the bed opening it up. Inside, it contained crayons of every color as well as a notebook of drawing paper, and various erasers and even some charcoal. There were slots where other things went, but they were empty. The girl didn't seem to care though as she ran her little hands over the crayons.

"It's for me? My very own?" She asked quietly and a little awed.

Howard smiled benevolently. He was so good... so generous.

"That's right kiddo. Now if you want to use the colored pencils or pencils, you just need to go check them out, but they're only yours, so no one else can check them out okay?"

The girl nodded happily. "Kay. Thank you." She crawled over and wrapped her little arms around his neck.

Howard laughed and pried her off good humouredly before grabbing his little canvas bag and rejoining the orderly outside in the hall. As they walked toward the common area, they passed Nurse Une. She smiled.

"That was very nice of you Howard."

Howard chuckled meekly. "Well, she deserves more, but it's the least I can do." He replied in his husky impish voice. He took her hand and gave it a quick suggestive peck. She laughed, blushing. He smiled. He was a lady-killer. All the women loved him.

He started suddenly and looked at his watch, frowning. "I had better hurry. Zechs is getting voted off the island today. It would be bad if I missed."

" Survivor' waits for no man eh Howard? Have fun!"

Howard laughed and walked away with the orderly.

"I always have fun. All work and no play makes Howard a dull boy."

He could hear Une laughing her pretty little laugh behind him. He was a funny man. He could make anyone laugh.

Howard swaggered to his appointed place in front of the small TV in the corner. He hummed a cocky little tune as he looked at his watch, waiting for the second hand to hit the 12 before flipping the small tube on. He placed the remote carefully on the left arm of the chair before reaching into his canvas bag and pulling out a small bag of goldfish crackers.There were exactly 100 in the bag. Just enough. He was always precise. He was a very neat, very meticulous person. Nothing was ever out of place. He happily stretched and sunk into the small chair as the "Survivor" theme song began to play. He set the canvas bag neatly by the chair and settled in.

Trowa had a headache. He had actually curled up in the chair at some point during the interview. Quatre sat across from him smiling. The two boys had exhausted the interview, going over everything and nothing... nothing conclusive anyway. Trowa felt as if he had lived, breathed and eaten Quatre's life for a full 2 hours, pregnant with information. Quatre had been incredibly detailed in his account, trying to make sure that Trowa would have what he needed for his paper.

He knew about the ranch in Kentucky where Quatre grew up. His mother had raised Arabian's and Quatre had practically grown up on the back of a horse. His mother had died when he was eight. He wasn't sure how, but he remembered waking up one day and being told that his mother was gone. His father had told him and they spent the day crying. From that day on, Quatre had insisted on helping his sister Iria feed the horses. He and his older sister had become fast friends and Iria had pretty much raised him from then on. Later on, the girl even took it upon herself to tutor Quatre since some of the staff, including Quatre's old tutor had left. Later on, Quatre had been told that his mother's death was in fact, a suicide.

Quatre had a favorite horse that he had kept for himself... a dapple Gray thoroughbred named Sandrock. Quatre had actually raced Sandrock and won in several competitions over the years. Iria had worked with Quatre to help him become an excellent jockey with his elfin stature and skilled senses. They had discovered that empaths could make excellent jockeys.They could sense the emotions and even the energy of the horse and could practically become one with the animal. Quatre had perfected this technique with Sandrock, winning some of the smaller races in Kentucky. Unfortunately, he was not old enough to enter the Kentucky derby itself then.

As far as Trowa could tell, Wufei and Heero had been part of him since about the time his mother died, but there was still nothing that Quatre could remember as even slightly traumatic. Though, there were a small percentage of DID cases that didn't come from prolonged trauma. Maybe it was simply the strain of being an empath.

That was an idea.

To be able to see who people really are behind the façade must be trying. In a way, a lifetime of that could be seen as traumatic. Maybe Wufei and Heero helped to protect him from that reality.

Trowa decided to think about that possibility tonight, but right now, he was just burnt out.He and Quatre... and Wufei had gone over his life in relatively intricate detail for far too long and now Trowa just wanted to get out of there and get some pizza and a beer and relax. The only problem was that he really wanted to take Quatre with him.

"You shouldn't suck on that. It'll get hard."

Trowa looked up, startled. He blushed, taking the eraser end of his pencil out of his mouth.The blond laughed softly... a mischievous little grin on his pale face. Trowa closed his book and smiled.

"Quatre... I think I'm done."

Quatre blinked.

"Are you sure Trowa? Will that be enough?"

Trowa shrugged.

"It's really just extra credit. They want a short essay and I'm pretty sure I can BS my way through it with what I have."

Quatre smiled and laughed.

"And I thought you were a devoted student."

"I get by. Besides..." Trowa sighed. "I don't want to analyze' you anymore."

Quatre's eyes widened.

"What do you mean Trowa?"

Trowa paused. He wasn't really sure what to tell the blond, but somewhere along the road, Quatre had become a friend and as hard as Trowa tried to detach himself from the boy, he could not... and he could no longer think of him as a case study. He licked his lips.

"Quatre why did you kiss me?"

Quatre's brows furrowed. He stared off into the distance, also apparently trying to think of the right words to say. Trowa waited patiently and occupied himself with studying the beautiful features of the pale boy. He found his eyes drawn to the small mouth as it worked in thought, the small white teeth scraping absently against the moistened pink lips before they opened to speak. Quatre stared at the arm of the chair as he explained.

"You look so sad... so alone. You say you're not, but underneath, I can see it. I can feel it. I try to block out your emotions Trowa, because I don't want to scare you, but I can't help it sometimes. You feel like something's missing. You look at other people and feel a soft jealousy. Not an unkind jealousy, but sorrowful envy. Like everyone has found what you yourself cannot, no matter how hard you try. Even me. When you tried to make me feel better, I could tell that you didn't want me to be that sad... like you are. I looked at your mouth... and it just felt like my kiss belonged there."

Quatre looked up and into Trowa's eyes and Trowa had never felt as exposed in his life as he did now in those blue-green pools. Yet some part of him was elated that someone understood.Not just someone, but Quatre. Trowa swallowed and nodded.

"That's why I don't want to analyze you anymore Quatre. I don't know how, but in two days, you've become more of a friend than I've ever had. I want to understand you, but I don't want to study you."

Quatre swallowed and nodded.

"I understand. Thank you Trowa."

Trowa leaned forward and took the pale hand in his own.

Relena Dorlian pursed her lips as she stared out over the common area. She strode over to the receptionist.

"Ms. Shbeiker, why are the patients out in the common area? It's 6:00."

The black haired girl turned to the director stiffly, and paused before relaxing slightly.

"Mrs. Dorlian, we don't send the patients to their rooms at six. They don't like being cooped up and it's easier to keep an eye on them out here since we don't have enough

staff.""But that's dangerous. Allowing all these people to gather in one area is practically inviting a riot. The purpose of putting them in their rooms is to avoid any unnecessary provocation when the kitchen staff is setting up for dinner."

Relena could see the girls fingers twist and curl tightly around her pen, though she remained calm.

"That may be, but the kitchen staff has been instructed to stay away from the patients. I know it's against regulation, but it seems to work better. They've never had a riot, at least as long as I've been here."

Relena sighed. She would have to talk to the staff and doctors to find out who had stopped following the rules. She straightened and smiled at the girl though. It was unfair to blame the poor girl.

"With the smaller staff, I can understand why they would change the rules. We'll just have to change them back though. Maybe you can help me Mrs. Shbeiker, since you seem to know the ropes pretty well around here."

Hilde frowned.

"I guess. I mean, sure, I'm happy to help... I just don't think it's right."

Relena motioned for two of the orderlies to come over.

"Of course it is. The only way to keep the patients from rioting is to take the option away.Please come with me gentlemen."

"But how will they ever get better?"

As Relena Dorlian walked away, Hilde sighed and looked down, wondering if she would be better off making coffee drinks for people. You couldn't get emotionally attached to coffee.Well... unless it was a double latte. She reluctantly went back to entering the day's reports, hoping that there wouldn't be a scene. Somehow she doubted that though.

I wish I could take you out of here so we could talk more Quatre.

Quatre shrugged, twining his hand in Trowa's absently. "Well you could if you want to fill out seven hundred different forms and get analyzed and approved by the board and then wait for a year... but I could get before that. As long as I can convince Heero to rig the security system for me, I could get out tonight if you wanted. Do you want to? Should we go out tonight?"

Trowa shook his head. This seemed wrong and too fast again. He didn't want to risk Quatre's

"Maybe not Quatre. You're underage."

Quatre looked at him indignantly. "I look underage you mean. I'm 18."

"That's good, but..."

Quatre looked at him, a flash of uncertainty beginning to mar his usually happy features.Trowa leaned forward quickly and squeezed his hand.

"Don't get me wrong Quatre. I know this sounds selfish, but if we get caught, I could be thrown out of school... and who knows what could happen to you."

Quatre looked down and stroked Trowa's hand with a pale thumb.

"You're right. I'm sorry. I didn't even consider that. You're not the one being selfish, I am."

Though Quatre seemed lost in self-deprecating thought. Trowa stared at the boy and wonder what the hell he had gotten himself into. He found that he couldn't really respond as he felt the blonde's nimble little digit stroke up the length of his own fingers. He felt his mind and body quickly sinking into gutter territory and he tried desperately to control himself.

Quatre looked up, smiling once again. He was completely oblivious of the effect he had had, Trowa hoped. He gulped nervously as the slim fingers continue to stroke his own. Quatre looked up, smiling again.

"Bet you never counted on one of your patients kissing you did you?"

Trowa looked around warily and then leaned forward, doing something he had been afraid to do for what seemed like forever. He kissed the blond softly on the mouth very briefly. He felt the boy sigh on his lips and felt a tongue dart out to swipe at his bottom lip, but he had already pulled away before anything else could happen. Quatre licked his lips and smiled.Trowa returned the smile shyly.

"You're not my patient Quatre."

He glanced up at the clock.

"My time's up." He sighed. "I think I have what I need for the paper, but tomorrow is my last session with you."

Quatre got up and helped him gather his papers and books.

"Well you could still come see me as a visitor couldn't you? I don't think that Nurse Une would have a problem with it."

Trowa looked up and smiled.

"Yeah."

His smile faded however, when he found that the boy was warily looking across the room. His posture had straightened and his hands had curled into loose fists. Trowa followed the boy's gaze and saw that most of the patients had left the commons. A few remained, but they looked worried. At the end of the room by the television, there appeared to be a bit of an argument occurring between two of the orderlies, a blond woman and an older patient who was watching television. Trowa looked back at the boy.

"Wufei?"

Wufei turned and put a hand on Trowa's arm.

"We should get you out of here. This could be bad."

I'm very sorry, but it's hospital regulation. All patients must be in their rooms by six. I'm afraid you'll just have to miss your show. Perhaps we can arrange for one of the staff to tape it for you.

Howard stubbornly gritted his teeth, his eyes still never leaving the television. Things weren't working out the way they were supposed to.

"You don't understand... it's not the same."

Relena Dorlian sighed and stood up. She nodded briefly to the man next to her.

"Orderly... please."

The man leaned over and tried to gently take Howard's arm and pull him out of the chair, but he snarled and pulled his arm away.

"Let go of me!" He growled. His eyes shown with unbridled fury for a brief moment before they cleared and he smiled apologetically. He was a forgiving man.

"Please Ramirez. Tell this young' lady that I always have to watch my show... and eat my goldfish. Is that such a terrible thing?"

Ramirez shook his head, trying to keep things friendly.

"Sorry Howard, but there's not much I can do. Let's not cause a scene huh?"

Howard looked at both orderlies. They were big men. They both seemed poised for action. As if Howard was going to provoke them. They were his friends though. He was a peaceful man. He smiled and stood up, grabbing his bag. He put the remaining goldfish back inside. He smiled his most charming smiles at the blond woman who returned it hesitantly, a bit relieved. He was a calm man and very charming.

He looked over at the screen one last time to find that Zechs had not been voted off after all. The Tribal counsel had apparently decided to get rid of Sally Po instead.

Howard frowned. This woman had ruined everything. Howard had lost control of things. He shrugged his shoulders and turned toward his room, followed by the orderlies and that woman.He changed course slightly, still heading for his room, but passing by one of the young doctors instead.

It happened in seconds.

"Trowa!" Wufei yelled.

Trowa felt a stabbing pain travel through his neck as he was yanked back against the wall and pinned by his head in a vice like grip. Wincing with pain, he saw stars as he tried to maneuver himself onto his knees and out of the killing grip of a large man, but no matter which way he twisted, it only torqued his neck painfully and he could only hang uncomfortably, his vision whiting out from the pain. He could feel the nervous heartbeat and the rapid rise and fall of the man's chest behind him. Strangely, the man smelled clean like... the lotion Trowa had smelled on Quatre the day before. As he tried to look up, he saw the two orderlies and a young blond woman frozen in shock. He could only guess that the man holding him was the patient they had been arguing with. He tried to turn his head to see Quatre... or rather, Wufei, hoping the boy wasn't scared or hurt, but his captor felt him move and twisted harder, causing Trowa's eyes to tear up and his vision go white again. This time, instead of moving his head, he strained his eyes to see his friend. His vision was hazy and he could barely breath, but through his darkened vision he could make out the blond.

He was frozen as well, but instead of shock, a look of intense concentration and wariness defined his features. His hand was slightly raised in that of someone who is trying to keep the calm, palm down, reaching out, but not moving.

"Howard, don't do anything you'll regret." Wufei cautioned.

Trowa felt another stab of pain as his head was jerked again. He heard the man snarl. Trowa could almost hear the manic smile that shaped the words he said so calmly.

"Get away from me. Or I'll break his fucking neck."

Worth the wait? Sorry it took me even longer than usual.

Part 6 --/


	6. Gestalt 6

Gestalt 6

Incredible!I got another part out in less than a month.I hope you like it.I would like to get some opinions though.There will be lemon in this and I'm wondering what people would like to see.3x4 or 4x3?If you have an opinion, let me know.I could go either way at this point.

Love you guys!

Enjoy.

Gestalt 6

Trowa hung suspended between the harsh reality of life… and the fearful uncertainty of death.His neck was slowly becoming weak with the attempt of relieving the painful twisting pressure of hanging by his head from the strong and unyielding hands of a compromised sociopath.In essence, his world had focused to a fine and clear point between two methods of relief.The man would either snap his neck, killing him in an instant, or he would release him, thereby relieving the strain.

Who was it that said the prospect of death narrows the mind wonderfully?

Trowa's usually keen senses were now receiving nothing but a blur and flurry of agitated voices and the growling vibrations of his attacker's responses.Eventually though, as his mind regained control of the situation, his senses cleared and he could make out what was going on. He could hear a woman's voice.A young voice.

"Pacify that man immediately!"

Then the voice above him.

"I would stay back if I were you!His neck won't take much more."

Trowa couldn't help agreeing with this as he fought to ignore the pain in his neck enough to think.His ears were ringing and his teeth were clenched tight in an effort too support his twisted jaw.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"I'm taking control."

"You can't just kill him."

"Is that what you think?"

Another jolt of pain and Trowa saw spots.

"Stop stop!Please."

A bit of relief.Trowa tried not to shift in his discomfort for fear of the pressure being reapplied.He was on his knees, but angled forward in such a way that they did little to support him.As lithe as he was, his acrobat's body could do little to relieve his strain.

"You're talking about committing murder.Try to be reasonable."

The man laughed.

"I know exactly what will happen if I do it.You think I care?You think I fucking care!You don't matter.None of you matter!You ruined things!I'm taking back what's mine."

Trowa could hear a frightened and indignant gasp from the woman.

"That's enough Howard."

Trowa shifted as much as he could to find that voice.His young blond patient stood calmly with a schooled expression of worry.Behind the boy's eyes, Trowa could yet see Wufei's calculating gaze.It seemed the orderlies could perhaps sense this too as their attention had now shifted from Howard to him.

"Get back."Howard snarled.

Wufei nodded.He stepped back… looking almost afraid.His eyes met Trowa's for an instant and the pinned boy felt as if a thousand words were passed in that moment.Wufei knew what to do.

"As you say Howard.You're in control here."

"That's right.I'm in control."

Wufei nodded.

"That's right, but what do you want to be in control of Howard? It's up to you."

"What?"

Wufei's eyes met Trowa's.

"You're in control, one way or another Howard.It's up to you how you want all of this to turn out.If you let him go, I'm sure Ms. Dorlian would be willing to work something out to keep things the way you like.Isn't that right?"

The blond turned to look at the woman, who was too far to the side for Trowa to see.

"I."She seemed uncertain."I'm sure we can work something out."

Wufei turned his eyes back on Howard.

"You see.You're still in control.If you let him go, we can work this out calmly.Believe me Howard, I don't think you'll like the alternative.Not a man like yourself."

Howard considered.He didn't really want to kill this boy, even if it really made no difference whether he did or not.It's true that this alternative was not the world he wanted.He was a good man.Everyone knew that.If he snapped the pliant neck in his hands, things could become difficult.Though the experience was tempting.He was a man who liked simplicity… and he was charming.If anyone could make this bitch see reason, he could.

"I'm a good man."

"That's right."Wufei replied."Everybody knows it… so what do you say?"

Howard was pleased.Though this was different from the normal routine, the control was delightfully invigorating.He was usually subtler and intricate in the way he worked things, but the ease with which he could control… with the life of one insignificant boy was intriguing.Still Howard didn't fancy the unpredictability of this kind of control.He liked things uncomplicated.He decided to play the blonde's game to his advantage.

"All right."He said."I'm a fair man.I'm willing to compromise."

Trowa saw Wufei's gaze flash quickly to him, a bit of relief flickering in the wary eyes before the boy looked back up at the woman.

"I'm sure that Miss Dorlian is willing to do the same."

"O…of course."The female voice stuttered."Please let him go and I do what I can to work with you."

"I'd be happy to let him go."Howard countered, smiling."After all, I am a generous man."

"Yes you are.You are.Thank you."Relena sighed."Thank you for seeing it my way."

Howard stiffened, as did his grip on Trowa.

"What do you mean your way?"

Though Trowa could not see clearly, he could tell by the motion of the blond, that something had changed.It was uncanny how adept Trowa was becoming at reading this boy's body language.It was as if he had actually seen the aura of the previous personality falling away to expose the new, like a snake shedding its skin.

Wufei's plan had failed.He was gone.Now it was Heero who stood there, emotionless and intense.Trowa had a feeling the situation had just escalated, and Howard was in a load of trouble.

Trowa could see the solemn boy looking for an entrance… some sort of distraction.If something didn't happen soon, he was going to pass out and break his own neck from the terrible strain his muscles were under to keep still enough to not provoke the furious man.

With no other options, he did the only thing that came to mind.He let his body go entirely limp, letting out a stuttered sigh before pretending to pass out.As he went limp, his neck was torqued even more, but the ploy was successful as his dead weight made the man above him stumble.

What happened next was a blur as Trowa was trying to keep up the act and in doing so, had to keep his eyes shut.He heard a blunted crack above him, followed by a grunt before he and his attacker were thrown backwards, landing in a heap.The hands around his jaw were suddenly slack and his neck muscles knotted painfully at the sudden release.He gathered himself and scrambled away from the limp mass, finally looking back to see that the man lay completely dead to the world.Trowa held his neck and grimaced.He turned to see the boy who had saved him.

The boy looked at him calmly, almost devoid of emotion, but there was a hint of concern and even a little pride in the cold blue eyes as he advanced slowly, his eyes briefly darting to assure that there was no trouble as the two orderlies who now picked up the old man.He seemed frail now.A pale cry from the dangerous maniac that had just tried to kill him.A bruise was beginning to purple on the side of the man's wrinkled neck.

"Jesus, what did you do to him?" One of the orderlies asked as he hefted the man

Trowa stood up, but swayed as his vision decided to take a little spin without him.He groaned as his stomach churned a bit.As his savior's strong arms caught him, he leaned into them thankfully, putting a hand to his head.The all-business voice continued to drone above him.

"He'll live, but he'll wake up with a headache and he'll be pissed off.I suggest you put him in a cell and drug him… for now."

Relena smiled at him a bit awed.

"I don't know how to thank you Mr. Uh…"

"Then don't."

She straightened indignantly.

"I beg your pardon?"

Heero was unmoved.He glared at her through blond bangs.

"You very nearly got him killed.If you don't want a lawsuit on your hands, I suggest you stop initiating changes to the routines of this hospital before you comprehend why they're there to begin with.Anyone of the staff could have told you if you had asked that it's dangerous to fuck with Howard's routine."

"Well then why isn't he kept under lock and key and on proper medication?"

"Again, things you should have discussed with the staff before trying to screw with people's sense of reality."

Relena huffed.

"Well, I certainly intend to find out why things are being run so haphazardly."She turned to Trowa.

"Do you need medical attention?"

Trowa shook his head and smiled.He couldn't help but feel sorry for her to some extent.She seemed very young to be handling so much.

"I think I'm ok."

Relena frowned.

"I would like a doctor to take a look at you to make sure.I'll ask Hilde to bring someone down from the hospital."

"Thank you."

Relena looked about to say something to Heero as well, but his cold stare changed her mind.She turned and walked quickly out of the large room, stopping by Hilde's desk on the way.The dark haired girl listened as Relena gave her orders.Then she nodded her head and hurried out the door.The room was now empty.The sun had almost set and the room was a bit dimmer now that the fluorescents were the key source of light.All of the other patients had been ushered out and to their rooms.Now the only sound was of the kitchen staff as they prepared the evening meal.Heero turned to Trowa.

"Are you Ok?"

Trowa nodded, but allowed Heero to guide him gently into the armchair beside them.The solemn alter knelt in front of him and grabbed his chin, looking into his eyes to examine him, before brushing a gentle finger along Trowa's jaw.Trowa winced. 

"Jaw hurts?"

"Like hell."Trowa muttered.Heero stood up and moved around to stand behind the chair.He used gentle fingers to draw Trowa's head back to rest against the cushion.Trowa fought instinctively, but the hands pinched his shoulders and held firm.

"Relax." 

Trowa couldn't help but obey as the strong hands began to work his neck and shoulders, squeezing spots in his muscles that made heat flash through his shoulders, loosening them.Though the massage was good, at first Trowa couldn't relax into it because his stomach couldn't decide whether to upset or not.Finally, he was able to suppress the roiling.He sighed and relaxed his body somewhat into the massage.

"You're hands are shaking."

Trowa nodded.

"Adrenaline."

"Hn."

Trowa still felt shaky inside, but he felt his heart beginning to slow and he let his eyes slip closed as the hands on his back continued to work rhythmically.Occasionally, Heero would concentrate on a particular spot that was knotted before moving to a different area.Though the tall boy's muscles were strained from today's ordeal, most of the stress was a build up of school related tension.Growing up as he did, it was not something the green-eyed boy was used to.The tightening of his back and shoulders from hunching over a desk every day was definitely a new and unwelcome experience for the athletic boy.Trowa tensed suddenly though as the hands worked higher and hit the abused tissue around his throat.He grunted in pain.Heero's hands slowed and pressed gently on the offended muscles.

"Just relax and breathe deeply Trowa."

Trowa could feel the deft fingers tickle deliciously up and down his neck before stopping at a certain spot and pressing.A liquid heat seemed to fill his neck and the pain dulled deliciously.He let his breath out in an explosive sigh and relaxed again.The hands resumed massaging his neck and shoulders.Trowa was almost asleep when he realized that those hands had slowed and now traced gently across the muscles of his arms and shoulders, moving lower to trace along his collarbone and even lower still.Trowa's breath hitched.The hands stopped, but Heero's thumbs continued to rub delicately at his collarbone.Trowa was wide-awake now.

"Heero…"

"You're muscular for a psychology student Trowa.Do you play sports?"

"Sort of.I've been in the circus since I was 6."

Trowa went limp again as Heero began to massage his shoulders again as he spoke.

"A circus.Here?"

"Mmm.No.We travel around a lot.They're here in town though, this time of year.I'm going to visit them this weekend."

"What do you do there?"

"I'm an acrobat… among other things.I've done about every job there at one time or another."

"Why did you leave?"

Trowa sighed.

"Because I wanted to get away I guess.I felt like I was in a rut… like I would never be anything more than a simple carnival act.It seemed like so many of the people who came to visit looked down on me as if I wasn't smart enough to do anything else.Nothing more than a simpleton who couldn't find any other way to get by.I think I wanted to prove them wrong.I told my sister that I wanted to go to college and I did."

"It sounds as if you're unhappy about that decision."

Trowa blinked.Did it?He hadn't really thought about it, but he had made it sound that way.He replied, somewhat confused.

"No.That's not it."

"Then what is it?"

Trowa's answer was halted by the undeniable realization that he had no idea.

"I don't know… Heero.Honestly, I'm not sure why I'm not satisfied with what I've done, or if that's even the problem."

He was met with silence so he plunged on, more working out his thoughts orally than knowing what it was he was talking about.

"I've been a student here for a year now and I'm doing well.My grades are almost perfect, but I suppose I feel like I've taken a step back in a way.In the circus, people may have scorned me, but at the same time, I could do things that they could never hope to achieve.Things that I've worked my whole life at.As a student, I feel like I'm in the mainstream… like I'm doing what most guys my age do.Yet I feel out of place.I guess I'm at an impasse.I could get my degree, become a psychologist and go out and help people.I've always wanted to do that… to help people work out their pain and heal the past.Or, I could go back to the circus and do what I'm good at… what I've spent most of my life doing because I'm one of very few people who can do it and I like that too."

Trowa felt empty after working that out as he spoke it to Heero.Saying it definitely helped him identify a problem, though he wondered if he was better off in the dark.Now it was just one more issue he would have to deal with.Marvelous.Just when he thought he had things grounded in his life.

The boy behind him stopped massaging and moved around to face Trowa.He stood looking down at Trowa and the green-eyed boy cursed himself for feeling so vulnerable.What was it about this kid who, no matter what personality was in charge at the moment could make him feel so utterly exposed?Heero looked on him with almost emotionless eyes, but they had a warm glitter to them that helped to take that cold edge off the stoic boy.Heero leaned down and, taking Trowa's chin and forcing it up so that their eyes met directly, he smiled slightly.

"I don't know what to tell you Trowa.I don't know how you feel, so I can't tell you what to do.All I can say is that you need to listen to your emotions.The only way to lead a good life is to follow them." 

With that, Heero leaned down and captured Trowa's mouth in a captive kiss, a strong tongue gently forcing entrance to Trowa's partially open lips, caressing his palate and then pulling away.Trowa stared, surprised at the boy above.The face had returned to its emotionless state, but those eyes still glittered with meaningful affection.

Then… suddenly, while Trowa was still trying to make light of what happened, Heero was gone and the gentle and relieved smile of Quatre Winner graced the willowy features once more.The boy dropped to his knees, wrapping his arms around Trowa's waist and laying a blond head in his lap.

"Trowa.Thank goodness you're all right."

TBC as usual.

Comments and Critique are pleaded for as usual ^__^.


	7. Gestalt 7

Gestalt 7

Gestalt 7

By Caer

Lots of angst in this one.It's about Trowa's past.I'll get back to Quatre and his problems real soon, but this is where my muse took me and I couldn't refuse, because she actually got me typing.It's sad, but hopefully not too melodramatic.I hate that.I'm not really fond of flashbacks as I think they're overdone quite a lot, but I really don't know any other way to make Trowa's past clearer.Hopefully this works.You all know that all my characters are people I've pulled from one part of the show or another.The nameless old man in this part has too.He was the old man pacifist that Quatre helped when he was being abused.Just thought I'd let you know.I'm sure that you all cringe at my gratuitous use of ellipses as well, but I just love them so much.Sorry.

Let me know what you think.

Gestalt 7

Trowa stared thoughtfully out the window of the beat up hatchback he rode in.The lights of the city spread out in all directions, becoming blurs of colorful confusion as they sped past, making the reds and greens and whites blur together, but their frantic dance left little impression on the thoughtful Trowa as he replayed the events of the day over and over in his mind.

"So you really like Quatre don't you?"

After his ordeal, Hilde Shbeiker had insisted on just driving him home.He had tried to convince them that he was ok taking the bus, but they had all been adamant.This by no means excluded Quatre who made him promise to let her take him home before he had allowed himself to be escorted back to his room.Now it was dark in the small town outside and Trowa had been lulled into his own thoughts.Suddenly broken from them, he looked over at the perky brunette.

"I do."He said.She laughed.

"I thought so.You and he just look so on."

Trowa smiled shyly, staring out the window.

"Do we?"

"Oh, totally… and I'm not just saying that because I saw him try to perform an oral tonsillectomy on you either."

Trowa looked down at his lap and laughed, blushing at the same time and knowing that she was enjoying every minute of his embarrassment.She grinned, glancing at him every now and then as she drove.

"Which one was it anyway?"

Trowa looked over, confused.

"Huh?"

"Which of Quatre's personalities kissed you?"

"Ah."Trowa adjusted, angling himself so he could talk more comfortably with the forthright girl."It was Heero."He looked at her profile.She was a thin girl, but wore baggy clothes to hide it.She had a very open and thoughtful expression to her face and body language.She reminded Trowa a lot of his sister.

Hilde snickered.

"Figures.That was a Heero kiss.No nonsense. Wufei wouldn't kiss that soon and Quatre probably would have climbed on top of you like an aggressive puppy."

"You seem to know them well."Trowa said.He rolled down the window a bit to let some fresh air into the musty car.

"Well, I've worked here for a year now.Quatre's been a very good friend to me.Wufei's a little more distant and Heero barely talks to me, but I like them all anyway.It's nice to see Quatre making a new friend finally.Sometimes it scares me that he's trapped in that place with no one to talk to.Most of the staff treats the patients like total children.It's so degrading.Quatre's too smart for that."

"You're right."Trowa agreed."He doesn't belong there."

"No he doesn't."Hilde said sadly."He's so afraid that his father will give him no choice but to follow in his footsteps.He just wants to live his own life."

Hilde looked over at Trowa.

"Quatre likes you too you know.A lot.Maybe you could convince him to leave?"

Trowa sighed and shook his head."I don't know that I have that much influence on him."

"Believe me you do."Hilde countered."Not just him either.Wufei and Heero respect you too."

Trowa regarded Hilde thoughtfully.

"Do you treat them as different people?"

"Well of course.They are different people.Your problem is that you look at Quatre from a psychologist's point of view.I just see him as different.I've known them all for so long now; I couldn't see one of them not being there.Could you?"

Trowa sighed."Then if Heero kissed me, am I cheating on Quatre?"

Hilde looked at Trowa, almost veering off the road before she caught herself.This phased Trowa little. She looked down, suddenly finding the sparkled paint on her nails suddenly quite fascinating.He just stared at her coolly.

"Oh god.I didn't think about that."She laughed, but became suddenly serious.She licked her lips, thinking… looking up, trying to remember."They seem to share information with each other, but I know there have been times when one didn't know something that the other said or did."

Trowa played with the sleeve of his sweatshirt.

"I know that there are a lot of DID's that have personalities that will plot against each other," he said, "but Quatre hasn't shown anything like that.They're protective, not vindictive."Trowa said, thinking back, trying to recall any malice, even subtle, between the three personalities.

"Yeah, but you're a new love interest aren't you?Quatre thinks that Wufei and Heero are his lovers and vice versa.That means he's probably never had a 'real' love interest.Maybe subconsciously, Quatre wants something like this.Something more real, but it's coming out through each personality separately." 

She was good.Trowa was starting to wonder if everyone around him was just more cognizant than he was of what was going on.Maybe he was just used to living in the circus, where the general idea of a good time was to see how many empty beer bottles you could juggle.What if she was right?Was he hurting Quatre by just being there?Trowa suddenly felt slightly sick.He reflexively put a hand on his stomach.What Hilde was suggesting was starting to make sense in a way that did not please him at all.

"You okay."

Trowa nodded, wincing as his neck protested the movement.

"You could be right.I could be dangerous to his balance.I could end up hurting him… or them.I need to stop..."

Hilde shook her head adamantly.

"No no no.Quatre's different Trowa, but he's not a piece of glass.You can't walk away from him, just because you're scared that you'll change him.That's what interaction with other people does.It changes you.It's a part of life.Quatre, Wufei and Heero have been through years of shit before you Trowa.If you end up changing them, then it was probably supposed to happen anyway.If you walk away now to 'protect' him, it means you don't see him as a person, you see him as a freak, just like everyone else."

Hilde watched Trowa from the corner of her eye while he thought about this.One thing Trowa did know about was being seen as a 'freak' as she so colorfully put it.Hilde put a hand on his slender wrist and squeezed.

"He's seen lots of doctors Trowa, good doctors.His father's rich.They weren't able to make any progress.He is who he is; so don't get all down just because I threw one of my bullshit ideas at you.Maybe you can talk to each of them to see what's going on that way.

They had pulled into the apartment complex and Hilde watched Trowa open the door and grab his bag.

"Are you sure you'll be ok?"

He nodded.

"My apartment is just over there.Thanks for the ride."

"Hey… anytime.You're good to talk to.Besides, if Quatre likes you, you must be special.See ya.Let me know if you ever need a ride."

He shut the car door, smiling.She waved and drove off.

Trowa walked along the darkened walkway between buildings, heading for his apartment… thinking about the events of today.Had Quatre known that Heero had kissed him, or had it just been one person kissing him.Would Quatre be hurt if he knew it had happened?For that matter, why would Heero kiss him if he was supposed to be a protective personality?Heero had seemed like an honest person.He hadn't acted as if he was actively deceiving his gentle counterpart.How could he look at this?Wufei had made it clear that they were different people, but if that was the case, should he be faithful to only Quatre?

Should he have even gotten involved?Could a relationship with Quatre possibly work when his mind was split so completely?It wasn't as if Quatre was mentally unstable… quite the opposite in fact.He seemed very functional, even if he wasn't 'normal' per se.However, the fact was, Quatre was mentally unbalanced deep inside.Sometime in his past, he had been traumatized enough for his mind to split into separate entities.If Trowa ended up ruining the balance Quatre had achieved between the three, what would happen to the blond mentally and emotionally?Or was Hilde right?Was Trowa trying to treat Quatre too delicately?

Trowa slowly walked home through the deserted, but relatively safe courtyard of his apartment building.He had liked Hilde.She was the kind of girl who could charm anyone just because she was so honest.Maybe that was why it was so easy to talk to her, when he rarely talked to anyone but his sister.

Though she had been adorned like a more feminine girl with a baggy pink sweater and black stretch pants, there was something about Hilde Shbeiker that seemed… tough.Trowa found himself wondering, as he often did, what her family was like… if she had one.It was something he had done for as long as he could remember.When he had been in the circus, he would find himself staring at the odd person, their look catching him for some reason he could never explain.He would find himself wondering as he did now, whom they were… what kind of lives had they had.

When he was younger, it was couples with children that would catch his attention and he would wonder what kind of parents they were.It was hard to tell at a circus, because the children were often happy.It was hard not to be… as a kid, no matter what sort of hell you were going through at home.As a child, Trowa had visited the circus a couple of times.His parents had taken him, not for his sake though.They were big children themselves.They were certainly young.Trowa remembered that one out of the two times, they had gone, they had managed to lose him.One minute they had been looking at the shooting gallery, his mother telling his father that he should win something for her, the next minute, they were gone.It had been one of the most frightening and exciting nights of his life, and it had changed his life.

"Dekim!For once in your life get off your lazy ass and do something for me."

"Jesus… why are you always yelling at me?"

A very young Trowa paid little attention to his parents as he watched the amazing miracle of little colored balloons being formed into silly little animals and hats.The clown who did them was so fast!His parent's irate voices hazed into background noise as usual as they stood at the shooting gallery.The squeak of the balloons being a much more appealing noise and Trowa stood in awe, wondering why they didn't just pop.

"Here you go little girl."The clown smiled gently as he spoke and now that Trowa heard his voice, he could tell the man was pretty old.He looked up with twinkling eyes at Trowa and winked, about to invite him over.Then he glanced up at the squalling couple behind Trowa, his mother having a hold of the neck of his shirt as she wined about wanting a toy.Trowa saw a bit of anger in the kind old eyes of the man and wondered why.The kind clown smiled sadly at him and turned to another child who had come up to get a balloon animal. 

Trowa felt a yank on his collar and turned to follow his mother as they went to the shooting gallery, but he was pulled so hard, he fell on his face in the dirt.

"You stupid god damn kid!"

His mother picked him up and set him down roughly, rubbing a dry napkin over his face and shirt.

"Jesus Trowa, I just washed this thing."

"I swear Tina, your kid is so fucking clumsy."

"My kid?My kid?"She screamed."Why the hell is he always my kid.What you didn't have anything to do with him?Is that it?You were drunk off your ass and looking for a quick ball so he's not your responsibility?Huh?"

Trowa wiped the dust off of his shirt and straightened it a little bit.He followed the squall of his parents to the end of the gallery where there was a free seat.

Trowa watched his father shoot at the passing ducks, but he had seen him drink a lot of beer and Trowa knew that he could barely aim the remote control right, let alone shoot balls at the targets.Deep inside, Trowa knew he could do better.

He found himself watching another man shoot.This man was good and he could hit the ducks every time.Trowa studied him, watching how he stood, how he had one shoulder slightly forward as he shot.It was much different than the way his father was shooting.For one thing, this guy could stand up straight.Trowa found himself mesmerized by the little ducks and trash cans as they went by, some of them going down under the barrage, while others somehow made it through unscathed.

Trowa blinked himself out of his dreamy state and turned, his childish mind, suddenly noticing that the drone of his arguing parents had disappeared.He turned around to see a completely different man occupying the seat his father had been in just moments ago.Trowa turned around full circle, looking up at all the faces around him, trying to spot his mother's black shorts and tank top, or his father's grubby jeans and plaid shirt, but they were nowhere to be seen.

Unfortunately this was a scenario Trowa was all too used to.It happened at malls, stores… about anywhere.Trowa had developed a system though.He would just find the entrance and stand around until they found him.That seemed to work.Though he never voiced, it he was pretty sure his parents were too dumb to figure this out themselves, but… they had to get out sometime, so there he would go and there's where he headed now.

The carnival was different though.There didn't seem to be any one entrance.Plus, at a mall, Trowa could stand outside and knew his parents would just drive around until they saw him.He was so quiet and withdrawn, he stuck out.Here, there was no way for the cars to drive all the way around.Trowa continued to wander, not paying attention to the crowd around him, looking for an entrance… but as soon as he though he saw one, he realized it was just a gap in the fences by a particularly big booth.Trowa started to get frustrated.He decided to go back to where he had lost them, but now he couldn't find the right shooting gallery.There were a lot.Some had different targets and he couldn't find the nice clown now either. Dejected, he quietly found a bench next to a bathroom and sat down, curling his knees into himself and staring out quietly.

"Hey… hey kid!"

Trowa awoke, lifting his head from his knees to see an older man kneeling in front of him.He smiled, but there was something weird.He put his large and wrinkled hands on Trowa's knees.

"Hey."He said gently?"Are you lost?"

Trowa nodded carefully, studying the man.He seemed nice.He was down at Trowa's level looking into his eyes.

"Kind of."He said softly.

"That's ok."The man said, smiling."Hey.I can help you.I have some candy."

The man held his hand and pulled him off the bench.He was still kneeling on his toes, smiling at Trowa.His smile was almost too big.A soft hand ran through his hair.

"I'll tell you what."He stood up, pulling Trowa along, toward the bathroom."Come in here with me and if you do me a little favor, I'll give you some candy.Huh?"

The man pulled a little harder and Trowa's slight body had no choice but to move further.He tried to pull back.He whispered quietly.

"I have to find my mom."

The man smiled and pulled out some candy. 

"Sure.Sure you do.We will.We'll find your mommy.Just come in here and help me with something okay!You'll like it I promise.We're just going to play a game."

Trowa didn't like candy or games much, but he didn't know what to say.This man was leading him someplace he didn't think he wanted to go, but the man had said he would help him.He did have to find his parents…

Suddenly the man looked up and let go of Trowa quickly, backing away.A huge man with giant hands grabbed the old man and threw him against the bathroom wall.He shrieked and gasped at the same time as the giant man slammed him against the wall again.

"You dirty bastard, Tsuberov!What the hell do you think you're doing?"

The man sputtered and cursed as he tried to pry the massive hands away from his arms.

"The kid's lost!I was just trying to help out."

Trowa watched the big man with some amazement as he slammed the man against the wall again.He also realized there was a very pretty girl standing next to him.She was dressed in a purple and blue dancing costume and Trowa blinked at her as she looked at him.

"Are you all right?"She asked.She looked like she was about 10… much older than Trowa… practically a grown up.She stood with her hands behind her back.

Trowa nodded bravely, straightening his shirt.

"Yah.I can't find my parents."

"Catherine!"

The girl looked up.The large man looked sternly at Trowa.Trowa returned the look with a level gaze of his own.Trowa thought he saw a sparkle in the man's eyes, like he had seen in those of the old clown from before, but it was gone already.The man looked at the girl.

"Take him to your father and help him find his parents.I'll be there in a minute."

Catherine turned to Trowa."Uh oh.We had better do what he says.He's using his angry voice."

She took his hand.

"Come with me.You can have some cotton candy if you want."

Trowa let himself be led.

"I don't like candy."

She shrugged. 

"Ok.Well you can have a hot dog instead.Then we'll find your mom and dad."

Trowa took one last look behind him, but there were too many people in the way to see what was happening.Maybe the giant man was going to take his candy. Trowa forgot about it as his stomach growled.A hot dog was more important anyway.

"Who was that guy?"

"That's Rashid.He's teaching me to walk the tightrope."

"Really?"

****** 

After a stop off to get a free hot dog for both children Trowa was led by the girl who had introduced herself as Catherine, finally to an office where he was introduced to her father the Ringmaster.He seemed a stern man and very big to a boy Trowa's size with his grand red uniform with gold trim wrapped around a barrel-chested body that was constantly poised for drama.Even behind a closed door, the big man acted as though he were still on stage, gesturing grandly as he heard Catherine's tale of Trowa's current situation.He stood dramatically, striding over to the small boy, smiling kindly as he lifted him to sit on the desk.Trowa's eyes widened in surprise as he was plopped on the man's desk.He wasn't used to being carried or hefted about so.

"I'm sure your parents must be worried sick about you."The man said in a deep theatrical voice.

Trowa said nothing, but stared at the man as if he couldn't be real.

"I'll have some of my people start looking right now.You stay here with my daughter and I will return shortly."

With that the eccentric man had exited with a flourish, leaving Catherine alone with Trowa.

"Don't worry.We'll find them."She said very seriously."This happens all the time."

"My parents lose me a lot."Trowa replied quietly.

"The circus is really big, so it's easy to get lost.You can just wait here with me until my dad finds them though."

Suddenly a big excited smile lit up the girls face. 

"You wanna come see the lions?"

Trowa's eyes got very wide and he nodded.Catherine took his hand and pulled him off the desk, dragging him into a different tent.It was smaller and it had a circle of cages, each occupied by a beautiful lion.Four were girls and 2 were boys.Trowa was amazed.He had always loved lions, but he never thought he would be able to see one so close.The cages encircled a small circus ring.In the center, there was a veritable jungle gym for the lions to perform in.There was a man in the tent, cleaning the cages.He turned when the two children and smiled kindly.It took a moment, but Trowa recognized him as the nice clown he had seen before.He smiled good-humouredly at them, though a strange look passed through his eye as he looked at Trowa.He looked angry for a minute, but it passed and he winked at Catherine.

"Well hello Catherine.Did you find yourself a boyfriend?"

Catherine's face scrunched up.

"Eww.He's not my boyfriend.His name's Trowa.He can't find his mom and dad so Daddy's out looking for them."

The man nodded.

"Well, young man, you're welcome to stay here.Would you like to pet Osiris here?"He said, gesturing to the larger boy lion.

Trowa looked at the man and nodded, a slight smile gracing his small, solemn face.The man smiled back and walked back to the cage, opening the door and tapping the bars.

"Down Osiris.Come out, come out, it's time to play."

The lion looked at the man with a bored expression before standing up and sauntering out.Trowa watched as the lion stayed with the end of the riding crop, following the end of it as if it were a leash…almost as if he knew exactly where the whip would go before the man himself did.He led the lion right up to Trowa, tapping the ground twice a few feet in front of the awed boy.The lion immediately lay down right at that spot, watching Trowa and yawning.His huge teeth shining in the bright lights and his huge head practically splitting in half the yawn was so big.The small boy was not scared though, rather he smiled as if he knew the lion was just playing a game.

"Osiris here is a gentle beast.Pet him if you want to."

Trowa stepped forward, reaching out tentatively and placing his small hand on the giant nose of the lethargic animal before moving back to scratch behind the huge fluffy ears.The big cat's hair was a lot coarser than Trowa thought it would be, but he felt comfortable, though the animal could have inhaled him without too much trouble.Osiris stuck a lazy nose into his chest, sniffing loudly, and then suddenly licked a huge rough tongue up Trowa's sweatshirt, sending the boy backwards with its strength.He landed in the sawdust on his butt, eliciting a giggle from Catherine who had climbed up to play in the cat's jungle gym.Trowa sat in the sawdust, laughing quietly.The old man shook his head.

"Well I have to say Trowa.You seem to have a way with beasts.He seems to like you."

Trowa laughed and crawled back to bury his hands in the Osiris' mane. 

"He likes me because I like him."

When Rashid returned a few hours later, Catherine and the old man were showing Trowa how to walk a tightrope, using a thicker rope they had tied between two of the large structures in the ring.Trowa seemed to be a natural at it.The other two were egging him on, as he was halfway across already for the first time.There was telltale sawdust, hinting at previous failed attempts.When Rashid walked in, Trowa looked over and lost his balance.Before he fell though, he had grabbed the rope and swung down before dropping the few inches between himself and the ground.Rashid clapped.

"Trowa here is amazing isn't he Rashid?"The old man asked, standing up with a groan and going to help Trowa up.He handed Trowa a little balloon lion he had fashioned while he had been sitting.Trowa looked up, smiling a little more.

"Thank you."He said, receiving a kind wink from the old man.

Rashid nodded and smiled at Trowa.

"I must admit.You seem to be very natural."

"Ay.He's fearless too.Even old Osiris didn't scare him."

Catherine spoke to Trowa from one of the tilted wooden ladders where she sat prettily.

"Rashid and his flying Maguanacs are famous acrobats.They've been everywhere.Even to France."

Trowa had grown quite comfortable with the little group now and he looked up at Rashid with big eyes.He almost seemed happy now, Rashid noticed.

"Really?"He felt as though he had said that word so many times, but he had never met so many interesting people, or seen so many interesting things.

"Yes."He said in his imposing deep voice."Our group toured all over Europe before we were honored to come work with Le Cirque D'Etoiles.I must admit, I've never seen someone so agile at an age so young.It's a shame you're too young to join us."

Trowa nodded sadly.

"My father would never let me do something like this."He said, shivering and hugging his little lion, his drawn face looking too wise for someone so young."He'll be really mad because I got lost."

Catherine leapt down, walking over to hug the boy.

"It's not your fault Trowa.I'm sure they'll be happy when they see you're ok.Don't worry.I'm sure we'll find them soon.

******

Three weeks later, Trowa sat, pressed into the corner against the wall in a small bed within a large orphanage bedroom full of little beds that lined up like unmarked gravestones.Beds for the lost.He still clutched his balloon lion, though it was quite flimsy now, it's little drawn smile now a bit crooked with the loss of air to hold it up.His parents had not shown up.He had been patient and waited, but they were nowhere to be found.No one had told him as much, but he was not a stupid little boy.He knew that even though he hadn't know what his address was when the policeman asked him, the police were very smart and that just his phone number was all they would need to find his mom and dad.If they hadn't found them yet, then his parents were gone and they weren't coming back.They didn't want him.He was alone now.Completely alone.It wasn't like his parents had paid much attention to him as it was, but it hurt and Trowa didn't know why.He wiped his runny nose and teary eyes on the sleeve of the shirt that was too big for him that he had gotten from the orphanage people.All the other children were downstairs having activity time, but he hadn't felt like it today and they had said that he could stay in bed if he wanted to.

"Trowa!"

Trowa looked up, red eyed, to see Cathy running to him.Rashid and the Ringmaster were talking with the man who read them stories and came and talked to them when it was visiting time.Trowa thought he was probably in charge.Cathy gave him a big hug, squeezing the deflated lion between them.

"Trowa I'm so happy!You get to come home with us!"

Trowa sniffed.

"With you?"

"Yes.Rashid got Daddy to adopt you.He told him how nice you were and how all the lions liked you and I said, "Please daddy?" and he said Ok!It's going to take a long time to adopt you, but they said that we could be your foster family for a while just in case your real mommy and daddy come back."

Trowa buried his head in his knees.

"They won't.They don't love me.They don't want to be my mom and dad anymore.That's why they're gone."

Catherine gave hugged him, though he was in a tight little ball.

"Well, my daddy is a good daddy.He's not married, but if you want, I could be your mommy."

Trowa sniffed and looked up.Rashid had come to kneel in front of them, looking seriously at Trowa, asking with his eyes if Trowa wanted this.Trowa looked at Cathy who still had her arms around him, her head lying in his shoulder, and then at Rashid.With one final sniff, he wrapped his little arms around Rashid's big neck, still clutching his little lion.Rashid lifted him, took Cathy's hand and they went back to the circus.

Trowa woke up, bleary eyed in his apartment.Sun shone through the open window and the birds were especially noisy this morning.Trowa found that his neck was much stiffer this morning and groaned in pain as he tried to lift his head.He found that his pillow was wet and his eyes and eyelashes were wet with tears.He remembered faintly having flits of dreams last night.He must have been dreaming about his past.Something he did rarely.Probably he could blame them on the heavy painkillers and the adrenaline rush and events of yesterday.He wiped his face and crawled stiffly out of bed, to prepare for the day, deciding that he definitely needed to call Cathy after his two classes today.He suddenly felt very homesick.


	8. Gestalt 8

Gestalt 8

Bright red shoes swung to and fro at the end of two very excited little legs, causing the small pieces of red hair that fell about to dance across the smooth white floor of Quatre's room.

"Hold still, young imp."A scolding tone with a touch of humor.

"Wufei, I wanna see.Aren't you done yet."

"I would be, if you would cease wiggling"

The shoes stilled.

"Is it done yet?"

"It is finished."

A mirror was held up, reflecting a very beautiful little girl, her one visible green eye shining with excitement, framed by a new haircut.She blinked.She blinked again.She turned her head.When she turned it back, the tall boy with the light brown hair was standing at the door in front of them.In the mirror, she could see Wufei's blue eyes brighten and a faint smile turned up his lips.

Excitedly, she jumped up and ran to the boy, tugging on his loose fit jeans, and craning her neck to see him.

"Mr. Trowa!Wufei cut my hair!He did a really good job, didn't he?"

Trowa smiled and knelt in front of the girl, looking her in the eye.

"Yes, he did."He straightened her red dress and smoothed it down."You're the prettiest girl in town."

She smiled, throwing her thin little arms around Trowa's neck before turning back to Wufei, who looked down at the two, still smiling slightly.

"Can I go show Hilde."

"Yes, but don't run."

She nodded and practically bounced out the door.Wufei watched her leave, then turned back to Trowa, concern showing plainly in his stark stare.

"Are you all right?"

Trowa blinked.

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"Your neck must be sore… and Maremeia likes to hang."

Trowa smiled, a faint laugh escaping his lips.

"That's an interesting haircut you gave her."

Wufei smiled back.

"You've brought much to our little house of Bedlam, Trowa, including your haircut."He turned back to grab a broom and sweep the loose hair into a nice pile.

"It hides her scar almost completely."Trowa replied as he studied the decorative garments the blond was wearing.He was adorned in black silk oriental styled outfit with loop buttons and fashionably rolled sleeves.The outfit hung on his slender body alluringly, casting sculpted shadows in all the right places.

"Yes."Wufei frowned, looking at the door absently.The space on his

nose between his eyebrows crinkled slightly, cutely and Trowa mused that

the outwardly calm alter actually worried quite a lot.

"Sometimes,"Wufei continued, "one must hide their scars and heal, so

they can grow strong enough to face them later.

"What happened to her."Trowa asked, sitting on the bed.Wufei took

the chair, crossing his legs and resting his arms on his knees.

"Maremeia is an odd case.From what I've heard, she was actually a very

nasty child before her accident."

Trowa leaned back, content to allow Wufei his story.

"She lived in a fairly rich home, and from what I gather , it was all

from drug money."

"Her father left, running from the law, leaving the mother with a house,

car, $40,000.00 and a hard addiction to heroine.Eventually, the money

drained and when the girl asked for money one night, the woman became

convinced that Maremeia was stealing it.One night, when she couldn't

find any cash for more heroine and her daughter didn't have any, she

tried to kill Maremeia by splitting her head open with an axe."

Trowa let out a slow breath.

"So, the damage to her frontal lobe changed her nature."

"Mmmm."The boy looked at Trowa with that hawk-like gaze of his, never

nodding, but signifying the affirmative in his own indescribable way."When she woke up in

the hospital, she was a completely different person and very scared.

They brought her here because her short term memory was shot and in a

town so small, the only care center they had that could care for her

properly was here."

"Couldn't anybody adopt her?"Trowa asked softly, feeling a pang for

the girl, knowing himself, the pain of being rejected by his parents.

"No one in town would take her."Wufei replied."Besides, though she's

come a long way, it took nearly three years for her to recover and learn

how to function.She has had to become a creature of habit.Anything

she does that does not fall into her daily routine, she will forget.

Even now, she has to leave herself a note to remind her where her new

art set is.She had to learn to write earlier than most children,

simply to function.Most people who want children, want perfect

children.Not a scarred girl who needs full time attention.We won't

even go into the mental problems of a girl with a heroine addict for a

mother."

Trowa again found himself thankful for finding Cathy and Father and

Rashid when he did, and wondering what might have happened if he had not

gotten lost that night, so long ago.Would his parents have

eventually gotten rid of him anyway?Had they planned that, or worse?

Could he have ended up dead?Or, what if that old man who tried to

seduce him that night?Trowa didn't know then what was going on that

night, he knew now.What if he had gone with that man?Where would he

be now?

"Hey…"

Trowa looked up.Wufei had moved forward and now leaned on the bed,

reaching to place a gentle hand under Trowa's chin.

"Are you all right?"

Trowa smiled slightly, pulling his chin away.

"Yeah.Just thinking too much."

Wufei smirked.

"That's not possible."

"I just feel sorry for that girl.I wish I had gotten her a gift."

"You made her feel beautiful."Wufei said, smiling."That gift is

better than anything she'll unwrap today."He ended, placing a

comforting hand at the back of his neck before drawing back and getting

up.

"The others will be gathering soon.You don't mind do you?"

Trowa rose also.

"No.I'm finished with my report.I can help you get ready."

The sound of paper tearing filled the small room as a newly coifed Maremeia dug into the small collection of presents that had been gathered for her.Howard was not able to attend as he had been moved to a compound with higher security, but there was a small gathering of guests, including Hilde, who was not working that day.During the party, Trowa noticed that the blond changed alters between Wufei and Quatre several times, but Heero never made an appearance.He asked Wufei about it and was told that Heero didn't like social gatherings very much.

When it was all over, Trowa helped Quatre to clean the room.Quatre was in a bright mood and he attacked their cleaning job with gusto, scrubbing the small round table down contentedly.Trowa watched in amusement while he himself wrapped what was left of the cake.

"What has you so cheerful?"He poked.Quatre smiled gently.

"Did you see her face Trowa?She looked so happy.She looked happy and pretty and completely content…"

Trowa smiled as Quatre's fists clenched and he practically seethed with good cheer, whirling on the quiet boy.

"That's not all either Trowa.I could feel it.Ever since Meia's been here, she's been polite and kind, but scared, and lonely.I think today she learned that she's not alone, and that there are real people who care for her.She let go…"

"That makes you feel good."Trowa said, then felt himself tackled bodily by a ball of blond energy as he was ensconced in a tight hug.

"It makes me feel incredible!Most of the time I try to ignore my empathy, because most of what I feel in this place is haunting loneliness.Maremeia's joy today was like a drug."Quatre looked up and reached a hand to cup Trowa's neck as he laid his head against his chest.Trowa looked tenderly upon the soft head and embraced the boy gently.

"I could do the same for you Trowa, if you would let me."

Quatre looked up at him, brushing aside the hair Trowa so carefully hid his eyes behind and Trowa was prisoner to those subtly changing blue green eyes that hid and yet revealed so much.

"You're so lonely Trowa."

Trowa shook his head and tried to pull back, but he was held firmly.

"I'm not… I'm just…"  
  


"Shhhh…"

Quatre moved forward, pressing gentle lips against Trowa's mouth and gathering it for a loving kiss.Trowa moaned helplessly and his hands tightened around the muscular waist.Responding to Trowa's response, Quatre's pulled gently down and deepened the kiss, opening both of their mouths and allowing their tongues to play.He pushed gently back and Trowa found himself pinned playfully in the corner and pushed to sit down.He pulled his mouth away laughing nervously.

"Quatre, What are you?"

"Shhhh."The smaller boy smiled and pointed to the mirror above them."It's two way.I don't think anyone would watch, but I want you to myself."He smiled.

Trowa tried to relaxas Quatre climbed on top of him, and wrapped slender strong arms around him, kissing him softly and molding his lithe body against the tall boy.They sat there for quite a while, making out, fondling, cooing, doing things Trowa had not done for years… things Trowa had thought at one time he would never do again.It felt good… almost too good.Under the tender onslaught, Trowa found it hard to believe that this boy had been sheltered in an institution for two years.Not that he had had that much experience either, but Quatre seemed to be pushing all the right buttons.Or maybe Quatre was the right button.He was so sweet and gentle and… not like anyone Trowa had met before. 

He was also definitely doing the right things.Quatre's small hands wormed their way into his loose silk jacket, under his arms and around to knead the tense muscles beneath his shoulder blades.Again, Trowa couldn't stop the helpless whimper that escaped him as the supple form slid erotically –whether meant or not- against his own.Maybe Quatre had had at least some experience, or maybe a good imagination was enough.DID patients often had very vivid imaginations.

Finally though, an inevitable hand brushed between his legs and he automatically tensed and pushed back, grabbing the wandering fingers firmly.

"Please."Trowa swallowed and took in a needed breath.Quatre stared at him questioningly, so he forced out what he had to say."Please Quatre.I'm not ready for this.I… I'm not comfortable with this yet."

Trowa could see the initial hurt that rose momentarily in the crystal depths of Quatre's expressive eyes, but it passed and was replaced with honest concern.

"I'm sorry Trowa.I thought you wanted this.He moved to get up, but Trowa held him.

"I do."He smoothed the blond hair back."I do… if you do, but I'm not ready yet.I just…I had a bad experience with this before.I'm a little afraid."

"I sensed that."Quatre said, settling back onto his lap carefully.He stroked a tender hand along Trowa's flushed cheek."I don't want to scare you Trowa.It felt like you wanted something and I wanted it too.To be honest, I wasn't going to go that far.I was just teasing you a little bit.It's a little bit too public here to do much more than that anyway.Ok?"

Trowa nodded gratefully and let his head roll forward to rest against the small muscular chest and sighed as a hand stroked through his hair.

"I do want you."He whispered."I just…"He was silent.He put into words what he was feeling.

"Who hurt you Trowa?"

Trowa stopped breathing for a minute.Had Quatre sensed that too?At this point, Trowa felt that it would only be harmful to keep secrets from this mysterious boy he held.The boy who seemed to be delving into his very soul and dredging up all his passions, fears, joys and confusion and consequently throwing Trowa's whole world into chaos.Where was the stability?A week ago, the sure college boy could honestly tell anyone that he was comfortable with where and who he was.Now, he didn't know which way was up anymore.Nothing seemed right and everything he had established in his life seemed wrong. 

'Maybe this is what love does to you.' He thought cynically, laughing at himself inside his head.Honestly.

Still, this enigmatic blond boy, who was, let us remember, in a mental institution for being crazy, was opening his heart and welcoming the chaos he had created with open arms, ready to let Trowa sit on the hypothetical couch and talk out all his problems, and the crazy thing, was that Quatre seemed all right.He was the stable one in this.Not Quatre, even, but all three.Right now, Quatre, Heero and Wufei made more sense than anything in his own world.And with all this in mind, Trowa realized there was no stopping himself from telling Quatre exactly why he couldn't let go himself.

"His name was Dekim."He said, still holding the blond, though now more like a favorite teddy bear."He was my first… and only."

Silence.The slender fingers continued to stroke soothingly through Trowa's hair and he continued.

"He was much older than I was, by at least fifteen years I think.I was around fifteen myself.He worked in the circus as an animal trainer.He taught me everything I know about that.Since I always loved our animals, I would help take care of them after the performances, so naturally I spent a lot of time with him.He caught me staring at him with his shirt off once and started asking me if I liked men or not.He did it very gradually and he was always very friendly, not forceful at all.Eventually I admitted that I really did like men more than women.He started making romantic advances toward me, taking me out to movies and dinner and we would end up necking in his trailer afterward.He bought me gifts and told me how special I was to him."

"He had me wrapped around his little finger and totally fooled."Trowa said, trying to keep the bitterness out of his voice and remain emotionless."Between that and my childish desire for romance as well as my raging hormones, he had me practically begging him to 'make love' to me."

The mockingtone with which Trowa used the words 'make love' were tragic even to him, but he continued.

"One night it happened, in his trailer.He took me.He let me take him.I was clumsy and inexperienced, but he was patient and it was incredible for me.I thought I had never been happier as I fell asleep in his arms.When I woke up, he had disappeared."

"Oh Trowa."

"He didn't even leave a note.When my father called the police, we found out he was a criminal.He had been charged with at least 13 counts of sexual harassment of underage boys across the country."

Quatre's hands had stopped their soft calming strokes, but Trowa felt lips pressed to the top of his head in an affectionate kiss.

"Did they ever find him?"

"No.We didn't try.I never told Cathy… my sister, what had happened.I was too ashamed.I just went and got myself checked as soon as I could… since we hadn't used any protection… and then pretend it never happened."

"You were Ok?"

"Yeah."Trowa raised his head to look at Quatre.Something had changed in the blond's eyes."Really I should consider myself lucky.I've heard worse stories about gay boys and their first times.At least I enjoyed the sex."

"But he used you."

"Maybe." Trowa replied, matter of factly. "What hurt was his manipulation.If it was just sex, then it was just sex and I would have said yes or no, but I would have been okay with it."

"But he made you think it was more."

Trowa scrunched his eyes and looked up into the blonde's eyes again.It was Wufei.At some point the Chines alter had taken over.Trowa tried not to let this phase him, continuing with his story, even as he tried to figure out what was happening.

"I… yeah.I thought he really cared about me."

"Maybe he did."

"Well, I'll never know.Anyway, that's why I'm skittish."

"We would never do that to you Trowa."

We…

"It's not just that I'm afraid of it happening to me... again."Trowa shook his head."It's that I'm afraid of doing it to someone else.I do care about you."He said, looking at the boy above him, wondering what was going on inside the tempestuous boy.At the same time, he was wondering who he was talking to.If he was talking to one, two or all three of them. "But I want to be sure before I try making it physical… and you're so hard to interpret."Trowa admitted honestly, knowing Wufei would understand what he meant."You just said we… so are you talking about all three of you?"

Wufei let that full lipped half smile slip onto his analytical features as he looked down in amusement.

"Of course.You can't really get one of us without the other two can you?"

Trowa shook his head, shifting a bit to get the circulation back into his legs.Wufei adjusted with him.

"I wasn't sure." The taller boy admitted."I find this very confusing.

"I don't blame you."Wufei assured."However, Heero, Quatre and I have discussed quite a bit.We do want you physically... Someday."Wufei said, placing an assuring hand on his shoulder, an almost signature gesture for the alter."We want you emotionally though.We will respect your wish to remain… plutonic until you are sure."

Once again, Trowa felt lost in uncertainty as his own reality was compromised by this perplexing situation.He wanted this boy more than he had wanted anyone… ever, but he was in a place where he didn't know what to do.

"Wufei…"He started."I'm not even sure if I could be with you.Even if we could get you released, could it work?"

Wufei sighed."Are you afraid to try Trowa?Are you afraid to take the risk at all?You know that it could be a while before we are released.Are you willing to wait?"

"I…"Trowa hugged the boy closer.His embrace was returned mutually… no more, no less."I'm not sure Wufei."

"You are confused.Perhaps you need time to think."

Wufei stood and pulled the brooding green eyed boy up.Trowa leaned against the wall staring at the smaller boy, sadly, wondering if he had closed a door already because he was not willing to walk through.Wufei smiled and moved close to Trowa, kissing him lightly on the neck and holding him firmly by the arms, capturing Trowa with his stern but benign gaze.

"Do not trouble yourself so much Trowa.You give yourself far to little credit.We are willing to wait, because we do care about you.All of us."

He pulled Trowa's head close to his lips, turning it sideways, and Trowa let his eyes slip shut with desire as he felt the warm breath brush his ear in a somewhat erotic whisper.

"We could make you happy, quiet one… if you let us.Please consider carefully."

Trowa found himself wondering if it was truly possible.


	9. Gestalt 9

Gestalt 9

Gestalt 9

Trowa didn't want to leave.Visiting hours were nearly over, but the pensive boy felt that things should not be left quite yet.Having just pushed away the young patient he was very obviously enamoured with, there was a tension in the air.Maybe Trowa was creating it all by himself, but it needed to be filled.He needed to make sure that this boy knew that he was serious.Perhaps he needed it more for himself.He was a little afraid.Before, it had only seemed like fleeting words, but Wufei's soft whisper had promised more than that.It was a choice though… a choice he could take or leave, but he couldn't just stay there.He had to solidify the path, one way or another.He looked into the intelligent blue depths of the blond boy's eyes and took a step.

"I promise I'll come see you on Monday." He almost blurted out, needing to get the words out while they were there.

"A promise isn't needed."Wufei said, that distinct knowing smile brushing the corners of his mouth."I will await your visit."

It wasn't enough.Trowa grabbed one of the milk-pale hands, looking at it hesitantly before bringing it quickly to his lips and brushing a light kiss over the smooth knuckles.He looked up, smiling.

"I'll make it a promise anyway."Having said it and having a need to leave it at that, Trowa flashed one last shy smile at Wufei and left the room.

Wufei stood staring, a bit unsettled.The warmth of Trowa's kiss still lingered on his fingers.As the door closed, he brought the hand to his nose, taking in the lingering scent of the tall boy.

"You were right Quatre."

"See Wufei? I told you.He's perfect."

"We'll see.He could still turn."

"He won't Heero."

"We'll see."

***

Trowa stood outside the door, still for a moment as he let out a long breath.He felt lighter somehow.Some of his demons had just been exorcized in that room, accented by the last action of a promise.

Technically, he could have walked away at this point.His assignment was over.The easy out would be to convince himself that Quatre was ill and that a relationship was impossible.No worries.Even though there would be plenty of regret.

But he realized he was already a prisoner of the sallow boy with the blue green eyes.Trowa wanted to be with him… with them.Escape was almost impossible at this point.

He made his way down the white hall, smiling to himself...Remembering the startled look in the otherwise impassive eyes of the Chinese alter.It had felt right.He had taken some control in the situation and Wufei's surprise had been worth it.The act had felt right.Blissful thoughts of Quatre's body on his wormed their way into his thoughts and he smiled even wider.

"Well someone looks like he got some."

Trowa snapped out of his reverie to see a grinning Hilde watching him, a mischievous look in her eye. 

What were you guys doing in there?

Trowa felt his blood heat. 

"Nothing really."He tried to school his expression, but an irrepressible smile ruined the effect.

"Uh huh!I thought so."She smiled and he mirrored it, appreciating her comfort with the whole thing.After all, she had advised him to pursue this opportunity in the first place.He went up to talk to her. She was smiling, but there was a hint of worry at the corners of her eyes.

"What's wrong?"He had to ask.

"Huh?Oh, it's just these staff changes.Every time we have a big turnover, things get crazy.You can see it in the patients too.They get nervous or antsy.Even the ones that aren't quite there know that something is going on."

"You care a lot about the patients here."

Hilde smiled and set her elbows on the desk, chin in her hands.

"Most of them are better friends than anyone I know at school."She sighed."They're honest.Well… except for the pathological liars you know?I mean, even if they aren't really honest, they don't put on a front."She waved her hands in the air."No that's not it either."She took a breath and let it out, meeting Trowa's eyes."I don't have to pretend with them you know?I don't have to pretend like I'm interested in what they say because they're popular.I don't have to smile all the time, even when I feel lousy because people expect it.I can be exactly who I am with them for some reason.They don't go to school, they don't care.They don't expect anything from me except some kindness and compassion.How many people want that out there?Nobody trusts each other."She stared out over the almost empty lobby.

"Maybe it's because I'm so far from the rest of my family, but somehow, this has become my home.These are my real friends."

She paused, but Trowa waited as she looked up in remembrance.

"You know, the last two years, I've had a chance to go to Dorothy Catalonia's Thanksgiving party.Do you believe that?Me.In this backwater town, that means something.I don't know why, but she invited me personally.I think she sees me as some sort of little pet project.Like I'm her charity case."

Trowa understood.Dorothy Catalonia was the belle of this tiny town.Her parties were epic.She was also quite snobbish.She seemed nice enough as long as you didn't get on her bad side.Her beauty and poise bought her a lot of popularity though, as did her money.In a town this small, she was a star.

"You know what I did instead though?"She laughed."Nurse Une and I and a couple of the orderlies bought about 5 turkeys and spent the whole weekend cooking a real Thanksgiving meal for the center.Dorothy's reaction was unforgettable."Hilde laughed a little harder this time.She made a snotty face and imitated Dorothy's valley wannabe, but not quite right accent. "You skipped MY party so you could feed your little… crazy people?"

Trowa couldn't help but chuckle.Hilde looked up though, her smile fading."Oh dear."

He turned to see a little red headed girl in fuzzy pajamas with feet come padding down the long hallway, a very dirty brown bunny clutched to her chest, and a sad pouty look on her face.Hilde came out from behind the desk.

"What's wrong sweetheart?You should be asleep."

Maremeia sniffed, her little lower lip sticking out a little more.She shot the sad look at Trowa too for effect.

"I had bad dreams."

Hilde scooped her up and sat down in one of the big soft lobby chairs.Trowa followed. 

"Honey,"Hilde said brushing the soft red hair with her fingers."Do you want to talk about it?"

The girl nodded, wiggling further into Hilde's soft lap.

"I'm scared.Something bad's gonna happen."

"Like what?"Trowa said, bending his knees to face her.Maremeia shrugged and sniffed.

Hilde smiled at Trowa and rolled her eyes."You know what?I think you're just too excited from too much cake… and too much fun and presents… and all these new people who have been around and maybe that's why you had a bad dream.You want me to tell you a story?Maybe that will make the bad dreams go away.

Mei sniffed, shooting another dramatically sad look at Trowa who tried not to laugh.She was really laying it on thick.

"Look,Trowa… would you mind watching the lobby for me?We don't have anyone to cover right now since meds are being passed out.If you do, I'll give you a ride home."Hilde turned plaintive eyes at him.

Trowa winked at Meia when he knew the swayed girl wasn't looking.

"That sounds fair."

"Thanks.I won't be too long.No one usually comes out this late.If they do though, just call."She walked down the long white hall, a content Maremeia draped over her shoulder, still clutching the dirty bunny.

Trowa went to the desk, not wanting to go behind the counter, but not wanting to sit on one of the soft couches or chairs lest he fall asleep.It was late enough.His eyes were beginning to take on that burn of exhaustion already.Of course, he hadn't been getting much sleep for the past two nights.

He felt bad having to leave Quatre even for two days.Even though they had met only two days ago, Trowa already had a feeling of leaving something very familiar.Hilde was right.There was something about this place that made one feel… at home.He remembered how cold the white halls of the hospital had seemed as he came here, but the care center itself had small human touches everywhere.Crafts that the patients had done lined the walls and there was a slight messiness to the main activity room that made Trowa think of his childhood days in school.Even the colorful plastic binneys that fit into the shelves of the wall with each patient's name written in bright magic marker went with the comparison.It was a place of caring.The rest of the world would just as soon forget about these people, but here in the center, everyone cared.

He felt his eyes closing on him as he leaned at the desk, but a noise brought him out of his half conscious reverie.Hilde had stepped behind the desk to grab her coat and purse.

"Sorry to scare you.Ready to go?"

Trowa nodded and brushed the sleep from his eyes.He put a hand on his pocket to make sure he hadn't left his wallet behind, a gesture of habit.

"Thanks for giving me a ride."

"It's no trouble.Besides, it saves you some time… and you look like you could use the sleep."She noted with some concern.

"You too."He replied to the girl, who a similar look of fatigue.She laughed.

"Touché Trowa.We can keep each other awake on the way home."

"Get back!Leave me alone!Please!"

They both looked up.That was definitely Quatre's voice.Down the hall, they could see the med cart by his open door, the light of the room, and streaming out into the dimly lit hallway.They exchanged glances before hurrying down the hall.

"No!Let me go!Heero!"

A loud bang heralded the exit of a guard who hit the door before falling out into the hall.Trowa looked into the room.He couldn't see much except for a small Asian nurse with a syringe and two other guards who were pressing in on the boy.His eyes were cold and calculating and he was blocking any attempt of the guards to grab him.He was, however trapped and presently they both threw their bulk at him and he was pinned.He fought angrily with the guards and though he was much smaller than the two men, either of whom could easily get a second job as a bouncer, they were having trouble holding the wild boy.Trowa slipped into the room.

"What's going on here?"He asked, but his quiet voice was drowned out by the noise in the room as the orderlies cursed at each strike from the small limbs as they held him with the small nurse yelling as well.

The blond struggled angrily, looking absolutely feral and Trowa wondered if he would do something drastic.However as the boy's eyes looked up and realized that Trowa was there, they changed.Suddenly they were filled with fear.He lunged forward, reaching for Trowa before the guards pushed him back.Trowa felt a cold hand brush his arm before Quatre was pushed against the wall.

"Trowa!"Quatre cried."Make them stop!I'll be good, just don't let her!"His eyes traveled fearfully to the nurse that held the syringe.

Trowa stepped forward to help, but a firm hand grabbed his thin arm and he looked back to see the orderly that had been thrown out earlier.He used his other hand, trying to pry the large man off him.

"Let go of me!"He shouted, pulling away, but by the time he turned to Quatre, the nurse was done.Quatre hung, limp and shivering in the arms of the orderlies.

"No.Heero.Wufei."He pleaded in a defeated voice.

"What is going on here?"A woman's voice cut through the mêlée.A strong voice.

Nurse Une strode in, towering over the small woman and grabbing the hand that held the syringe."What are you doing?"

"He won take medicine."She squeaked, pulling away."So I give him something to make him calm down."

"Damn it!"Trowa heard the tall nurse curse under her breath.She looked up at Trowa."You there!New boy!"

Trowa almost backed up in surprise.

"Take over here and put the patient to bed."She commanded in a voice that frankly scared the hell out of Trowa."As for the 4 of you, we will discuss this in my office."You do NOT treat my patients this way.I don't care what you did where you worked before, but you don't do it here."She almost hissed.

They filed out of the room, the orderlies lowering the patient to the bed.The blond let out a whimper, staring at his hands and sliding off the bed to the floor.He huddled there on his knees shaking.

As the door closed behind him, Trowa rushed forward.

"Let me help you."Trowa bodily lifted the moaning boy back onto the bed, leaning over and laying Quatre down on the mattress.As he pulled away, a hand clutched at his wrist.

"Trowa."It was very obviously Quatre's voice."Please don't go.

"I'm not going anywhere."He whispered, moving closer to the boy, who seemed to have a hard time focusing his fearful blue eyes on anything.

"Trowa I hate it.I hate it."He mewled, clutching at Trowa's hand painfully."When they make us take the drugs, I… I feel like I'm dying inside."

Trowa felt helpless."You're not dying you're fine."

Quatre shook his head miserably, loosing his thread of thought."Trowa… Trowa, where are Heero and Wufei?"

Trowa suppressed the small bit of alarm that rose within him at the question.

"I don't know Quatre."

Quatre shut his eyes tightly and shook his head."No!Where are they?Please?"

Trowa hugged the frantic boy.

"I'm sorry Quatre, I don't know."

"You can't!You can't let them go.You can't."

He wasn't making any sense.All Trowa could do was "shh" the boy and hold his hand, stroking a hand on the sweat kissed neck.

"Shh Quatre.It's ok.It'll be ok."

"No."The voice was tiny now as the blonde's eyes closed, his body succumbing to the drugs finally."Bring them back."The voice was barely audible, but Trowa heard it and something pulled in his chest.None of this was right.

He continued to hold the limp hand in his own as he ran his fingers through Quatre's hair.The door opened and nurse Une came in with Hilde.

"I'm so sorry Mr. Barton."Une said in a meek voice."If there had been anyone else…"

"It's ok."He stood up, disentangling himself with the unconscious boy."Is he going to be Ok?"

"Yes."She whispered."It has happened before, though not too often.He'll be moody though.It might be good to have a friend around for a while?"She looked at him hopefully.

"I can't tomorrow."He regretted."I promised my sister I would work with her… but maybe Sunday."

"I'll be here tomorrow."Hilde offered.

"Thank you both."Une said gratefully."I have a report to write now, but I'll be here until morning, so Hilde, you can take over then.

Hilde nodded."All right Miss Une."The nurse hugged her silently and walked out.

"Should we go?"Hilde asked softly.

Trowa watched the blond shift uncomfortably in his sleep.

"Can I have a minute?"He asked.

"I'll warm the car up and meet you out front then."

After Hilde left, Trowa approached the bed.He reached out, almost afraid to touch the sick boy.He kneeled down and undid the buttons of the black silk shirt.Then, he pulled the sleeves of the garment off limp arms and, gathering the blond to his chest, he removed the shirt and lay Quatre back down. Small wrinkles of discern creased the pale brow underneath damp blond bangs.

"No Mama."Trowa barely heard it, but he saw Quatre's lips move and a hand twitch.

"No.Mama, get off!You're hurting. Why?"

Amazed and a little startled, Trowa got closer, but did not touch the dreaming boy.He gasped.Quatre was crying.

"No. Mama please. Get off.You're hurting!You're hurting!"Quatre thrashed violently for a moment before slipping back into a relaxed, drugged slumber.Trowa could only look on silently, a look of horror thankfully drowned out by the shadows.He turned and left the room quickly.


	10. Gestalt 10

Hi all.  Finally huh?  Thanks so much for your patience.  Like I said, things have been bad, but I'm getting my writing feet back now.  Thank you for all the amazing wonderful support you've all given me.  This thing is closing on the end.  I'm thinking 2 more chapters should do it… maybe one.  

Thanks also for pointing out some of those yucky mistakes where I used a character twice accidentally.  I'll eventually go back and fix that.

I hope that you enjoy.  Again, thank you thank you.

Gestalt 10

One wouldn't think that the incongruent smell of popcorn and coffee would be a welcome sensation to experience, but to Trowa, it was the smell of home.  It is amazing how something as subtle as smell can bring back the most vivid memories.  Since the time he had been adopted, this was what he woke up to.  The routine had been comfortable and wonderful.  Trowa remembered waking up just a bit after Catherine and a bit before his father and sitting cross-legged on the worn but clean Formica counter watching morning cartoons and eating a bowl of whatever Catherine had left for him before heading out to join the others.  Mornings were always spent training with Rashid.  There was always fresh coffee brewing in the main tent and Rashid always let Trowa have a cup, even when his over protective older sister complained that it would stunt his growth.  The 'pop pop' sound of the popcorn popper in the background, creating the homey feeling of a circus like the 'pop pop' of a fire in the fireplace would in a regular home.

Trowa would practice his routines for two hours before going to help feed the animals and clean the stalls.  After the performance, he and Cathy were sequestered to study.  That was the schedule most of the year around.  From the time he was 8, to the day he left for college.

Now, Trowa stood in the crisp morning air under the ancient wooden entrance that towered over his view of the only place he ever called home.  The sign had been in the circus longer than he had.  Layer after layer of new paint had transformed this sign to stay with the times, but underneath, sewn into the cracks and nicks of the mottled, aged wood was the embodiment of spirit that contained this strange family of freaks and vagabonds.  The sign was old and rickety.  Even under it's bright layer of shellac, it looked as if it could fall apart at the slightest disturbance.  Only someone who had touched it knew the strength it held.

Trowa shrugged some of the tension of school from his shoulders and surged forward, past the entrance and into his old life.

"Trowa!"

A shrill, but pretty voice chimed out, causing some of the animals to voice their own greetings in the back.  Trowa was hit with a bundle of female energy in a purple dress forcing him to step back a couple of feet before he regained his balance.

"Hello Cathy."  He smiled gently, holding her quietly and kissing her on the cheek.  She bounced in his arms.

"I'm so glad to see you!"  She made loud smooching noises as she kissed the top of his head, causing him to laugh a little.

"Trowa!"  Another deeper voice now, goofy and definitely male.  Trowa tried to see past the energetic bundle of sister to see Abdul and get away but he was too late.  Strong arms wrapped them both in a death grip.  As usual, one hand managed to find it's way to his behind.  Trowa gasped and shoved his sister into the taller man's arms, taking a step back.

"Do you have to do that?"

 Abdul set Catherine down and grinned.  He picked up his fallen sunglasses and placed them back on his head.

"It's good to see you man… and yes, I must.  Someone has to do it.  Why waste such a beautiful ass?"

"You haven't changed."  Trowa was in full blush now and his toes had become unfathomably interesting. He was saved from having to stand up to that comment by a small hand on his elbow, guiding him to the family trailer.

"What ever."  She retorted, taking Trowa's arm.  "Go eat with the animals Abdul.  I'm taking my brother for some catch up."

Trowa, still in shock, felt himself pulled away.

~

He now stared into a steaming cup of coffee, his reflection muddied and dark in the brown surface.

"You look a little pale.  Your not sick are you?"

Cathy was fixing some breakfast before practice. She had changed into her work overalls now, the purple outfit peeking out from the denim.   He shook his head.  

"I'm all right.  I just didn't get much sleep."

"Is it about that dream again?"

Trowa closed his eyes and briefly debated telling his sister what had happened with Quatre the night before… much worse than a dream, rather, a rude awakening from one.

"Yeah."  He said softly, tipping the cup, breaking up his image on the smooth surface and taking a swig of the thick stuff.  "Nothing new."  He would need some time to sort things out.

Cathy stayed silent, stirring the oatmeal and pouring the raisins in.

"Cath?"

"Yes?"

"I…"  He looked up.  "How much have you paid for my tuition?"

She grinned.  "I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you."  Turning and winking, she saw Trowa smile, but it didn't stay and his mouth resumed the same grim line he had held all morning.  "It's a lot Trowa, but we've planned for it.  Father has always kept funds for us for college.  He was glad that you actually wanted to go since I wasn't into it."

"It's just…"  He swallowed.  "I think I want to come home."

Cathy tensed.  This was big.  This was stressful.  Cathy could now see the tension in Trowa's shoulders as he looked into his coffee.

"You mean not finish college?"

Trowa nodded and silence ensued, both still, both thinking their separate thoughts.  But Trowa found himself fidgeting as the silence grew heavy.  He licked his lips.

"I…  I'm having problems Cathy.  I just don't want to do it anymore."

More silence.

"Wow."

Trowa took a gulp of the hot coffee, feeling the hot liquid punish his throat, almost hot enough to burn it… almost.

"Are you sure Trowa?"

"Well, no, not entirely."

"Are you failing your classes?"

"No."

"Do you want to change majors?"

"No."

"Then what's going on?"

She sat down at the table, dishing the oatmeal into each of their bowls.  Trowa switched from nervously drinking his coffee to nervously spooning the hot cereal.  He could feel Catherine's gaze cutting into the top of his head so he looked up and met it head on.

"I want to come home, that's all.  I went to college because I wanted to prove something."

"Prove?  Prove what?"

He looked down to gather the raisins into one neat pile.  What was he trying to prove anyway?

"I don't know… that I could be more than just a circus hand?  That I could just as easily be one of the snobs who comes through the fair every day as they can.  It's stupid I know."

"They're not all snobs Trowa."

"No.  You're right.  But so many of them are.  So many of them can't see past their own success and their own egos to realize that they aren't better than anyone.  So I wanted to prove that I could be better than any of them.  In doing so I've just ended up shooting myself in the foot."

The oatmeal cooled, forgotten on the table and Trowa crossed his arms and looked into his sister's eyes.  "Look at me Cathy.  I'm not happy.  I haven't been happy for over a year.  I'm stressed, I'm tired and I'm lonelier in a school full of people than I ever was here.  I belong here.  I want to come home."

"You don't even want to finish out the semester?"

"What good would it do me?  I'll never use it."

"You might go back sometime."

Trowa set the spoon down, not hungry at all.   

"You don't want me to quit?"

A hand on his.

"I just don't want you to regret your decision.  I'll admit, I don't want to see the money wasted."

"I understand."

"Trowa look at me."

He looked up to see his sister smile, though it was a bit pained.

"I'm sorry.  Before dad died, he put aside money for us to pay for things like school and emergencies.  I don't want to see it wasted.  I don't want to disrespect his memory."

Trowa closed his eyes. 

"I'm sorry."

A tug on his hand.

"I'm not done yet."  She said.  "What he always wanted for you more than anything else is a happier life Trowa.  You went through so much.  If you decide that you need to quit school then you have to.  It's not a waste.  Not really.  You got an education didn't you?  I just think that you should give it some more thought before you just up and leave."

He nodded, letting out a sigh.

"We'll be moving to a new city soon.   Even if you take a while you can always fly to where we are.  Just… think about it a little?"

Trowa nodded and Catherine got up to pour the cold oatmeal out.  She turned and grinned. 

"Poptarts instead?"

*       *       * 

The next few hours were spent practicing the routine.  For being away for so long, Trowa eased back into it without much trouble.  The added tension from school seemed to affect him most when Catherine threw her knives.  He almost flinched a couple of times and found that when they were done, he had a mother of a headache and a cut on the temple but not much else.  Catherine didn't take it too lightly but the lecture was gentle.  The only thing he stayed away from was the trapeze.  He knew he wasn't stretched enough for that so they decided not to take any chances.   He was not worried so much about missing, but about pulling an untrained muscle.  

The sweat was good.  The hard work was good.   The exercise and the comforting environment began to work the kinks out of Trowa's shoulders and by mid afternoon, he was ready for the evening show.

He stood at the corrals and watched as the crowds rolled in for the afternoon opening.  Already the exhilaration was seeping into him… the energy of the crowd boosting his own energy and practically making his hair stand on end.  He viewed it quietly, feeling content to some extent and able to drop all thoughts of his other life he had been living.  The smells, sights and sounds took his memory back to younger times and older feelings.  It was a déjà vu of a sort.  A collection of sensory perceptions suddenly sending you to another time when you were younger, different, and bringing back times gone by and suddenly, for a few moments, you're that other person.  You're the person you once were and as the feeling fades it leaves you with memories and feelings to feast upon until they once again fade into the past.

A touch on his shoulder brought him out of his reverie and as he looked back, he saw, not a hand, but the rough, wet gray nose of  Angharad, the only female African elephant they possessed.  The lips of her trunk clutched at his thin shoulder and he turned and leaned into her mass, rubbing the great neck.

"It's good to see you too."  He sighed.   Angharad's great trunk wrapped around his waist lovingly.  "What am I going to do?  I'm  pathetic.  I can't even figure out what I want."  

The 30-year-old girl pushed Trowa away and began to attack him with her trunk, mussing his hair and getting her wet nose on his face before questing to his pockets for the treats she wanted.  He laughed.

"Hey!  Stop that!"  He tried to push her away but her deft trunk squiggled its way back to play with him.

"Well now I'm jealous!"

Trowa turned to see Abdul sauntering up, clad in his evening costume of baggy drawstring cotton black pants and an open purple glittered vest completed by a matching fez.  He grinned as he approached.

"Trowa is that an elephants trunk in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"  He winked from behind his low sitting sunglasses.

Trowa knew he was turning red as he pulled the playful girls snout out of his pocket.  He turned and gave her the pumpkin slices he had brought.

"All right, all right."  He groaned, turning and petting her, not facing his companion for a minute, trying to compose himself.

"Hey Abdul."  He turned.  Abdul just stood there smiling.

"Hey Trowa.  I'm sorry, I was only teasing."

"It's all right.  Don't you have a show soon?"

"Sure I do, but you don't look so together you know?  Thought maybe you needed someone else to talk to besides your sister."

Trowa nodded.  Pestering as he was, Abdul was one of their better friends.  Though he had only been with the circus for a couple of years, he was with them when father had passed away, and he had always been supportive.  

"I'm thinking of coming back, you know?  Leaving school.   Now possibly.  I just found that…" 

"You don't belong?"

Trowa's eyes widened, he nodded faintly.

"Join the club man.  I got my BA in sociology before I decided I liked entertaining and working with my hands better.  One thing it taught me about people… I don't like being around them, you know… living in the system, the crowds, and the cliques.  So I ended up finding my family here.  I mesh better with the outcasts, loners and hermits I guess."

"Yeah."  Trowa nodded, absently stroking Angharad's trunk as he listened.

"Besides, I'm better at pain and flexibility than towing the yuppie line right?  Not everyone was meant to live with society.  Some of us need to stay the hell away because it'll eat us alive otherwise.  Being a freak isn't necessarily a bad thing."

Trowa smiled.  "No, it isn't."

"So?  Come back to us." Abdul reached up and nudged Trowa's chin.  "Unless you have something keeping you there."

Trowa looked to the side, following the nudging motion, thinking on Quatre.  "Maybe." He replied.

Abdul looked down, kicking the dust a bit.

"Look Trowa.  I have my own reasons for wanting you back.  Fact is I'm pretty damned attracted to you and I'd bend over backwards to get you to come out to dinner with me sometime."  He laughed self-consciously.  

Now he turned away as Trowa looked up. 

"But you need to listen to your sister,"  Abdul continued, "and think long and hard before you do anything drastic."  He put a hand on either one of his shoulders.  "Just know that I'll be here with flowers and a reservation if you're interested.  No pressure huh?  Just something else to think about." 

Trowa nodded and Abdul lightened his grip a little, donning an imploring look.

"Would you let me kiss you Trowa?"

Trowa backed up slightly, running into a large mass of elephant and pulling out of Abdul's grip at the same time.  He saw a flash of hurt in the older man's eyes.  Steeling himself, he grabbed his wrist.

"It's ok Abdul.  You can kiss me if you want."

His dark eyes brightened and he chuckled, leaning forward.  Trowa steeled himself and closed his eyes.  A light gentle kiss on the cheek is what he got and as Abdul backed away and held his hands, Trowa smiled.  The other man smiled back and then jerked to look at his watch.

"Aw damnit, I'm late!"  And with that, Trowa was left in the dimming light with a very jealous elephant, who proceeded to search the brunette for more treats.

*       *       *

One thin wire, shaking and pliant, liable to roll one way or the other without the strongest concentration split the world in two as Trowa deftly made his way across.  One foot after the other, his muscles instantly adjusting to every compromise of balance, his focus completely attuned to the wire… nothing else.     The crowd beneath him sat in silent awe as he glided, netless across the vast expanse of space.  Perilous as it was, this could be peace.  Everything was separated from you.  The focus that was so important also helped the mind find a state of calm rarely available in the fast track college life Trowa had set out to conquer.  He had not felt this much peace since he had left the circus.  This was home.  This was where his peace was.  Why he had ever left, he had no idea.

The wire split the world in half beneath him.

On one side, the path to the bus stop waited to take him back to his so far relatively successful academic life with his few casual friends and his own apartment and space, small as it was.

On the other side was his little old trailer, with its old memories, some good, some bad, his career as a performer, also potentially successful.  

On one side was a city full of people, teeming and screaming and numerous, a bunch of people his age, most of whom were more vapid than is healthy for a person, the stars among them rarely shining.

On the other side, was a rag tag group of people who all had seen more of life than the average citizen, who kept the screaming crowd at ringside distance.  The living was poor and cramped and fraught with hard work.

On one side was a chance for an easy life with a steady job that didn't involve mucking out stalls and building and performing almost every day, putting your heart and soul and life on the line for crowds who needed to be thrilled.

On the other side was a life full of dancing and singing and old friends, where people were more real and everyone cared about their skills and professions, where there weren't huge worries about mortgages and credit and what gadget was needed next to make life complete.

Of course, if he rejoined the circus, there would be little time to visit Quatre.  

The last incident had left Trowa feeling shattered.  For the past three days, he had built this poor afflicted boy into some kind of anomaly. He had actually started to believe that Heero, Wufei and Quatre were three different people… that Quatre's reality was the reality..  However, it wasn't.  Last night had shown him that.  Quatre was not the enigma he had built himself up to be.  He was just a boy who had lost it. He needed professional help, which he was probably already getting.  Quatre had opened to him quite a bit though.  Maybe he could help in that way.  

But he couldn't continue this charade with the boy.  Quatre wanted him to buy into his world and Trowa had actually gone along with it. Probably the blondes ESP made it easy.  Where Trowa had seen uncanny understanding, there had just been empathy and the ability to manipulate his emotions.  Yes, he was a remarkable boy, but he wasn't anything special or otherworldly.  He was a sick kid who had somehow been abused by his mother.  He was suffering and trying to pull others into his fantasy world so he would be less alone.  God, now it was obvious.  Trowa had fallen for it though, fallen completely.

Once again he had been manipulated into caring for someone.  It had worked.  He cared very much for the blond in that hospital, whether he had been played or not.  It was time to face reality though.  They could never have a relationship anyway unless Quatre could come out of his neurosis, and for now, it looked like he had no wish to.  They could keep in touch and Trowa would visit whenever he could. Maybe he could help find out what happened between Quatre and his mother.

This was best. This was the way it had to be. He would return to the circus. He would return home. Tomorrow, he would spend one last day with Quatre Raberba Winner to say goodbye.

With that last thought, Trowa's foot lost grip on the wire and he found himself plummeting toward the ground below.


	11. Gestalt 11

Again, my lovely readers, I apologize for the long waits you must endure as I get my butt moving on all of these stories.  Your continued interest and support just make me oozy with happiness and I thank you for the wonderful reviews! Believe me, I'm just amazed how many people read this fic, but I'm overjoyed.  So in the words of Marylin Monroe, Thank you ever so!

I am very quickly approaching the end of Gestalt and there is only one more chapter to go** .  Unfortunately, due to the content of my next chapter, I won't be able to post it on ff.net.**

The next chapter will be lemon and NC-17.  I will post part of it here, so you know that it's finished, along with a link to where you can read it.

I will repost all of my stories, without the lemon, but with a link to where you can access the NC-17 versions, so that I am still in compliance with ff.net rules.

Of course the smuttier fics, will be taken off completely.  Again, guys, thanks for your support.  Hope you continue to enjoy this fic!

**Gestalt 11**

Trowa nursed his jaw with a bag of ice his sister had sent home with him on the bus after she punched him for falling.  

Of course, he had caught the wire.  How many stories does anyone find of tight ropewalkers falling to their death?  He hadn't fallen since he was 15 though, so she was a little bit worried and a little bit angry.  She could have chosen a better way of expressing it though.  He smiled sardonically.   The impact hadn't done anything for his stiff neck either.  

He shifted uncomfortably in his seat as the bus approached the hospital.  He had opted to have dinner with the old crew and spend the night before riding back to town in the morning, so he just decided to go to see Quatre, rather than stopping at home first.  It would save some time, and he was still worried about the boy. 

It wouldn't help that he planned to say goodbye today.  Not goodbye.  Goodbye was such a final thing.  They could still see one another once in a while, and maybe when Quatre was out of the hospital…  Trowa simply needed to set down the rules.  He couldn't let himself fall into Quatre's world, no matter how much it beckoned.  No matter how lonely he felt now, he had to be realistic.

Trowa found himself comparing the Circus he had known for so long to the small psychiatric ward of the little town.  At the bottom line, both contained freaks.  It was a harsh word, but when compared to the state of 'normal' in the world, that's what they were.  They didn't belong because they were different somehow.  In fact, the circus as a symbol always hovered on the outskirts of stories and tales of insanity.  How many horror stories, mysteries and shows of the "Twilight Zone" variety centered on carnivals and the abnormalities of nature that rested within.  The twisted tale of "Something Wicked This Way Comes" about lonely people who wanted to escape into their deepest fantasies and do with the help of the Darke Carnival.  

How often, artists portray the picture of the unsound mind with pictures of freakish macabre figures; things that can only be found in freak shows or in the minds of the insane.  Trowa had simply come from one medium to another.  He had come from the mind of madness to befriend madness.   But Trowa was part of an insanity that he chose.  Quatre did not choose to be insane.  Or did he?  He claimed that he was aware of what and where he was, but was he?  Or was he just a victim of his own mind, caused by a tragedy that occurred before his mother died.  

In that case, Trowa was just as much a victim.  He had become a part of the circus by circumstance and loneliness.  Had the same thing driven Quatre to escape into his own mind?  Was that the only choice for the freaks of the world?  To join the circus or become insane?  Perhaps it was abandonment.  Most of the circus hands had been abandoned by society in some way.  Had Quatre been abandoned somehow?  If his mother beat him, physically or even sexually, maybe she hadn't originally.  Perhaps, her downfall into the insanity that caused her to hurt her own son had driven him inevitably to his own insanity.  

Trowa shuddered.  He didn't like this train of thought anymore.  He wasn't even on heavy painkillers this time.  He exited the bus and headed for the hospital, walking around to the side, to avoid the main entrance and the sickening white halls that he had first traveled through to get to the ward.

Hilde smiled and stood when he came in. "You're here!"  She sighed in relief.  "Thank goodness.  He's was asking for you all day yesterday, when he wasn't asking for Wufei or Heero."  Her eyes were bright and she took a deep breath to calm down.

"How is he?"  Trowa asked, worriedly.  She smiled with a hint of casual sadness.

"The drugs haven't left his system completely.  He's still kind of out of it.  Unresponsive.  He cried a lot yesterday."  She clenched her fists.  "Stupid orderlies.  I could have slapped that woman.  Une almost fired her.  I almost wish she had."

To some extent, Trowa agreed, and yet he understood Une's reluctance to fire her.  The woman obviously made a grave mistake.  She probably came from a hospital where you used force and muscled the patients around like cattle.  It wasn't uncommon.  No one really paid attention to the forgotten.  As long as they were out of sight, it didn't concern them, so who cared how they were treated.  However, firing the woman would only send her, untrained, to another hospital to do the same thing.  If kept on, Une could teach her a better way.  Trowa was sure it took more strength to keep the woman on, than to just give in to anger and get rid of the problem.

"Where is he?"

Hilde gestured.  Trowa turned.  He hadn't noticed before, but the blond was slumped in one of the chairs, staring senselessly at the TV, watching "Survivor".  Or rather, he was facing the TV and "Survivor" was on.  His eyes were glazed and his head lolled to the side like something half dead.   Apparently, the drugs lasted for a while.  Trowa bitterly wondered that mental patients didn't die of liver failure with drugs that strong. 

They both headed for the insensible boy.  Someone had dressed him in a pair of flannel pajamas that were obviously meant for a woman. They were white with pink flowers on them.   His hair was greasy and unwashed and someone had apparently tried to feed him breakfast without much success.  There was some sort of dried cereal on his front.

Hilde kneeled in front of him and took his pale hand.

"Quatre, angel?"

Trowa smiled, that must be a popular nickname for the boy.  Quatre's eyes flashed with movement, but that was it.  There was no recognition, just a vacant stare.  

"Quatre, Trowa is here."

A reaction now, but the eyes turned downward and he stared vacantly at his pajama leg instead. Hilde sighed. 

 "He was really doped up.  The drug is probably mostly out of his system, but it takes them a while to come back from this."

Trowa took Quatre's other hand and kneeled as well.  Hilde made room for him.

"Quatre."  

Again the eyes tracked unsteadily toward him, but this time, there was some recognition.  The blonde's breath sped up.  It also stank.  Trowa made a decision.  He leaned over, ignoring the pain in his neck and lifted the blond into his arms, jiggling the limp body until it rested comfortably.

"Can I go somewhere to get him cleaned up?"

Hilde nodded. 

"The showers are down the hall and on the right.  The one on the end is bigger, with a seat.  There's soap in the dispensers inside.  Here!" 

 Hilde stood up and walked away. 

 "I'll bring you some towels."

Trowa nodded and headed down the hall. 

 "Bring his toothbrush too."  

He wasn't sure if she heard him, but continued down the hall.  The blonde's head continued to hang limp and lilted to one side as he stared into space still.

It was difficult opening the shower door, with the body in his arms, but he managed it and set Quatre down on the wooden bench inside the shower.  He stripped down to his boxers and stripped Quatre as well, laying the boy down on his side to get the loose pants off as well.  He set the clothes in a cubby outside the shower and then turned the water on, adjusting the temperature until it was sufficiently hot.  Sitting Quatre up and tilting the spray until it washed over the boy's pale chest and legs but shy of his face.  

Trowa stood in the spray as well, letting his boxers get soaked.   There were two dispensers on the wall, one with a combination body soap and shampoo, the other, conditioner.  He lathered some of the soap in his hands and turned the spray away.  Starting at Quatre's neck, he started to soap the dirty skin.  He massaged the neck and moved to the shoulders, allowing the soap to lubricate Quatre's skin, making the muscles more pliant and easy to find.  

He worked carefully, but massaged hard, so that his fingers left traces of red in the skin where he had pressed.  Then he soaped Quatre's arms, rubbing the biceps and forearms down to the fingers.  He took each slick hand and rubbed the palm firmly before massaging each finger.   Then he carefully ran his hands down the small torso, over the pectorals and gently over the nipples, which were pert and dimpled from the chill.  He worked the soap under his arms and down his ribs, and finally over the stomach before he moved out of the way and let the hot water wash away the dirt and filth of yesterday and the day before.  

Hilde yelled from outside that she had brought some towels, a robe for Trowa and a new pair of sweats for Quatre before she went back to the front desk. Trowa moved to the slender legs and hips, washing as much as could be reached.  He massaged Quatre's feet, careful not to unbalance the boy.  He pulled at each toe and slid his soapy fingers between each toe before rinsing them off.  

Finally, taking a breath, he soaped the pale genitals gently and rinsed them quickly.  To Trowa's great relief, there was no response and he moved up to finish off by washing Quatre's hair.  He lay the boy down again and used a small plastic pitcher to wet down the greasy blond strands thoroughly before he shampooed it twice and conditioned it lightly.   The conditioner smelled like coconut.  

Then, he did his best at brushing the other boy's teeth. This whole time, Quatre didn't respond by moving or saying anything, but he did seem to relax.  He even looked a little better. His eyes weren't so glazed.  Trowa dried and dressed him in cream sweats 

that almost matched the boy's hair and, after donning the robe, carried him back to his room.  He left briefly to fetch his own clothes and lay them on Quatre's small table.  Then he set about making some tea.  

While the water was boiling, he took some of the Rorschach dots off the wall and re-taped them to the two-way mirror, to avoid prying eyes.  Finally, he brought the cup to the bedside and crawled onto the small bed, gathering Quatre's warm limp body onto his lap.  He cradled the smaller boy with one arm and used the other to stroke Quatre's arm and face lightly.

"Come back to me Quatre.  Wake up."

When he was sure the tea was cool enough by sampling it himself, prompted Quatre to drink.  Quatre did drink the tea, but as if he was on automatic pilot.  Once half the cup was drained, he didn't respond any more and Trowa set the cup down.  He simply held the boy to him and waited.It was maybe an hour later and Trowa woke to a twitching in his lap.  He slowly opened his eyes and held Quatre closer to him as a hand jerked and moved up Trowa's stomach to clutch the neck of his robe.  

Quatre's breathing was a bit erratic.  He made little humming whimpering noises in the back of his throat. And his eyes were now closed as if he was afraid.   They opened though and his hand moved up to dance fingers across the exposed part of Trowa's chest and up to his neck as Quatre moved softly to embrace the taller boy.

"Trowa."  He sighed softly.   

Trowa smiled in relief.

"I though you would never wake up."

Quatre said nothing but relaxed in this embrace, breathing in Trowa's scent.   Trowa was content to hold him close.  Now that he was back, he felt different… as if all the life had drained from him, but now he was alive again.  It was strange.  The same weight, the same heat, the same smell and feel, but he felt different.  He wasn't there before and now he was.  Like the difference between a corpse and the person it used to be.  There was something intangible that marked the difference when everything physical was the same.  

Trowa hugged Quatre even tighter and kissed his hair. It was almost painful, how much he had missed the boy.  It would be hard letting him go, maybe impossible.  He had had a chance if he had stayed away, but now that he was back, he remembered why he had fallen for the boy in three days.  Why he had fallen hard.

Quatre's hand began to slide up and into Trowa's hair softly and the taller boy closed his eyes as the fingers massaged his scalp.  He wondered if Quatre was returning the favor, or if he even remembered anything from before a couple of minutes ago. Quatre began kissing the skin of his neck, making needy mewling noises as he did.  Trowa's eyes widened as a stray finger brushed his nipple and he gasped.  He looked down and at the same time Quatre closed his warm mouth over surprised lips.  A tongue delved into his slack mouth and he felt giddy, if a little surprised and uncomfortable.  The blond was trying to mold their bodies together, almost causing pain as he clutched Trowa tightly.  

It took all of Trowa's willpower to push him away.

"Quatre."

Quatre looked surprised, himself. He half smiled and then slumped, resting his head against Trowa's shoulder.

"Just hold me."

Trowa did, carefully wrapping the boy back up in his arms.  Quatre took a breath.

"Sometimes I want out of here so badly."

Trowa stroked his hair.

"You checked yourself in, you could check yourself out."

"You know I can't do that.  I'm not even sure if they'd let me out now, whether I wanted it or not."

They sat for a little while longer in silence, each breathing in the other's presence.

"Why did you fall?"  Quatre stroked Trowa' hair.

"What? Why did I what?"  Trowa stared ahead, startled.  He had forgotten about Quatre's abilities.  "Off the wire you mean?"

"I don't know."  Quatre admitted.  "I just knew you fell.  Are you okay?"

Trowa took a deep breath.

"I lost my focus.  I was thinking about other things."

Quatre laughed.

"Wufei would give you a huge lecture about that."

"My sister did.  She punched me."

The blonde's eyes wandered to the light bruise on Trowa's jaw and he laughed a little.  There was more silence before he spoke again, softly.

"Trowa.  You want to leave us don't you?"

Trowa stared.  He really didn't want to get to this yet, but it was time to get it over with.  He took a breath.

"No."  He said.  "Not for good. But I think I want to go back to the circus for a while.  I think that's best."

Quatre pushed away and moved to at the bottom of the bed, against the wall, pulling his legs up against his chest, glaring at him.

"Why.  Why is it best?"

Trowa looked at him sadly.  "I thought I wanted something I didn't."  He said quietly.  "Me?"  Quatre asked sadly.

Trowa's heart ached at the tone in Quatre's voice.  "You're something all together, Quatre," he said quietly.  "I don't know what to do about you."

Quatre looked at his sheets.  "But you don't want to stay."

Trowa shook his head.  "I don't think I can Quatre.  I think you're great," he said honestly, "but I don't think I should take advantage of you in this state."

The blonde's head jerked up and his eyes changed.  "In what state Trowa," Wufei asked coldly.

Trowa met his gaze.  He was wondering when the Chinese boy would show up again, but it was appropriate to the circumstances.  "In that state, Quatre.  You're not well.

"Don't call me that," he warned. "And I've told you quite plainly that 'we' are just fine."

The boy's eyes were boring into him and Trowa found himself loosing his nerve, but he continued.

"No, you're not.  You're a boy with a mental illness."

"That's an easy explanation."

"Maybe, but it's true," Trowa pressed.  "You want me to give in and be a part of this fantasy world you've created, but I can't because it doesn't exist for me."

The blond looked squarely at him.  "It could."

Trowa laughed.  "That's how deluded you've become.  What do you expect me to do Quatre, get an apartment in town and come here every weekend so I can sit here and pretend there's three of you?"

The boy's brow furrowed.

"Stop calling me Quatre, Trowa, and you don't understand."

Trowa sighed and put a hand against his head.

"No, you don't understand."  He looked up.  "Don't you see? I can't be a part of your world, because it's your world and not mine.  To you, you're perfectly normal and real, but to me, you're just a delusional kid who had a bad experience with his mother."

The Chinese alter narrowed his eyes.  "How did you know about Quatre's mother?"

"When you were drugged, you started crying her name.  You told her not to hurt you."

The boy suddenly looked very sad.  Trowa put a hand on his knee.

"Don't you see?  Unless you face that part of your past, and start to heal, you'll never be a part of my world again, and all we'll ever be able to be, is friends."

"You want to know what happened?"

The voice was dark, serious, and somber and Trowa knew this had to be Heero again.  The boy was looking at him with dangerous eyes, but there was something resigned in them.  Trowa swallowed.  He wondered if he should get a doctor, so they could do things properly, but he had a feeling this was for his ears only.  He nodded, doubting he would ever get this chance again.  

~~

Quatre was six when his mother died.   

Quatre was only allowed to see his mother under supervision.  He was cared for by a nanny and by the various servants.  He was spoiled and cooed over, by his sisters, but he was a sweet child.  Quaterine Winner was very sweet too.  She was also a very heavy heroine addict. They tried to help her, but she had slowly gone mad from drug abuse and now, she was only allowed to see Quatre when she was relatively sober, and supervised.

Quatre had been playing in the front yard of the old estate house when his nanny decided to leave him for a few minutes to spend some time in the shed with the gardener.  Quatre had played for a while and when no one came to get him, he decided to go see his mother.  He opened her door and walked over to her.  She was sitting at the window, tracing patterns on the glass when he asked her if she wanted to play.  She turned to him and smiled.

She had led him down to the Southern hill, saying there was a secret cave and didn't he want to see it?  He followed her happily.  When they got down there, she locked the stone door and turned to him, fawning over him and telling him how much she missed him.  She gave him a cookie and started to dance around, singing and telling him about how they should play hide and seek for a while.  Quatre smiled.  His mother was so pretty.  He ate the sweet shortbread happily and told his mom about the picture he drew for her.  She listened with rapt attention and hugged him, thanking him and kissing him on the cheek.

A little while later, Quatre asked if they could stop playing and go have some dinner.  His mother yelled no at him and said they'd take him away again.  She took some cheese and bread out of a basket and fed it to him.  He was starting to get scared now, because his nanny wasn't there and his father wasn't there and his mother was starting to act strangely, yelling at things that weren't there.  When he asked her what was wrong, she yelled at him, shoving him into a corner and telling him to stay there and listen to his mother.  He started crying and she fluttered and apologized and kissed him.

Then she went and pulled something else out of the basket.  It was a long needle.  Quatre stared with rapt attention as she drew some items out, placing them on the small table in the old wine cellar.  She took out a spoon and a lighter and heated something in the spoon with it. Then she pulled the strange looking liquid into the syringe.  His eyes widened as the woman pulled up her lacy sleeve, revealing an arm that was covered in blood and wounds.  She tied something around her arm and stuck the needle in, watching the liquid pour in.  After that, the woman lay on the floor, senseless.  Little Quatre tried to wake her up, tried to open the heavy stone door and finally, tried to find more food in the basket.  There were a few more cookies so he took those and sat down on the floor, eating and watching his mother as she lay there, smiling.

Finally, she looked at him and smiled.  He smiled back, a little unsure smile.  She crawled over to him and asked him if he had any money.  He shook his head 'no'.  She caressed his cheek and began sticking her hand into his pockets, asking if he was sure, if he wasn't lying.

He squirmed in the corner and said 'no'.  She hit him.

He started crying.  She had never hit him before, and his head hit against the wall when she did it.  He sobbed and said he wanted to go home.  She looked at him in disbelief, saying 'what have I done' and picked him up, bouncing him around and stroking his hair and telling him it would be all right.  Then she looked at him strangely, her eyes rolled into her head and she fell forward, landing on top of him.  

A loud 'snap' came as his leg was twisted the wrong way and broken under her weight.  She lay on top of him, limp.  He pleaded for her to get off, and that she was hurting.  The weight was pinching his already throbbing leg and he was starting to get dizzy.  

Sprawled across him, almost the whole weight of her body resting on his, but crooked, so her head was on the floor, she turned her head to face him.  She opened her eyes once and smiled, reaching out to touch his cheek, saying how much she loved him, before she stilled, her eyes remaining open, but glassy and empty.  He screamed, as she grew cold on top of his tiny body.

~~

Trowa looked at Heero in horror as the boy continued the story in his own detached narrative.

"I found him days later when I heard him crying.  He was babbling something about horses. I talked to him through the barred window, but I had to yell at him to get him to listen.  I called for someone to come and help and then crawled through the bars and jumped onto the floor.  I didn't realize until I was down there that I wouldn't be able to climb back out again.  So I kept yelling for someone and talked to Quatre.  I think the dogs heard me before anyone else because they came first."

Heero looked up, his expression serious.

"He had been trapped, hurt and without food or water, under his dead mother for three days. He doesn't remember it, but I pushed her stiff, decaying body off of him and tried to calm him down. That's how we met.  The servants found him and changed the story to say that Quatre had found his mother dead, so he wouldn't know that the nanny had neglected him at the wrong moment.  

Quatre wouldn't speak to anyone for weeks, so no one was the wiser.  He didn't want the girl fired either because he knew she didn't mean it. So he never said anything and his father was never the wiser."

"My god," was all Trowa could say.  Heero nodded.

"Yeah.  So you have it if you want, Trowa.  Heero said, glaring at him.  "There's your instant gratification.   You wanted to know about a traumatic event and you have it.  Quatre went through some trauma as a child.  Are you happy?"

Trowa looked away.

"Of course not," he said quietly, "but it explains a lot."

"Does it? DID cases have usually gone through years of abuse and trauma and Quatre's was only a few days"

Trowa argued, "but he lost his mother, and he was withdrawn after that.  If he had no one to talk to..."

"Then he had us," Heero finished.  "Very good.  If that satisfies you, but does it really explain everything Trowa?  Does it feel like we don't exist?  Be honest.  Do you think of us as one _sick boy, or as three individual healthy people?"_

The truth hung in Trowa's mind and things clicked into place.  Heero showed up to guard Quatre from the truth.  Wufei had probably split off later to be a voice of reason and someone to talk to, since it was obvious that Heero wasn't very vocal.  It didn't quite mesh with a classic Dissociative Identity Disorder, but it fit well.  Perhaps there was a bit of schizophrenia involved.  It seemed reasonable though.  He knew that if he asked about a boy who was with Quatre when they found him, there would be no record of it.  It was just another fantasy.  And it helped to strengthen Trowa's resolve. "You know what I have to say, Heero."  Trowa responded.  "I can't just play this game with you to make you happy."

"To make me happy?  Or to make Quatre happy?"  Heero pressed darkly, as Trowa thought about this.  "No, you can't, because you keep seeing it as a game."  Heero moved closer.  He placed a hand on Trowa's neck and massaged skillfully.  As Trowa closed his eyes, Heero pressed his lips firmly to the other boy's, and pressing his tongue through the pliant lips to steal a forceful kiss, then pulled away.

"Who am I Trowa?"

The tall brunet whimpered as he pulled away.  He opened his eyes.

"You're Heero, but you're not," he said sadly, pushing him away.  "I'm sorry.  I want what you have, but I can't have it.

"Heero grabbed his hand.  

"You can if you let go.  What you want us to be is up to you Trowa, no one else," the boy hissed.

Trowa stared at the blond, shaking his head.  This kid really was out of his mind.  But he wanted it to be true.  He wished to god he could just let go and make things happen that way.  But it was ridiculous.

"No, I can't, Heero," he said.  "This is crazy. I need to go."  He got up, leaving the boy on the bed, staring down, dejected, his arm still outstretched where he had grabbed Trowa.  The kid growled and punched the bed.

"Why can't I make you understand?"

Trowa stared sadly at the distraught boy.  

"Because your world isn't real to me.  It can't be, and until you get better, I can't do this…" then he whispered, "even though I care for you very much."  He turned and went to the door.  "Goodbye." 

"Trowa?"  The voice was shaky and emotional now.  Trowa turned his head to see Quatre staring at him, tears in his eyes.

"You will write, won't you?"

Trowa nodded.  The blond looked down at the blanket.

"Goodbye Trowa."

Trowa felt a tightening in his chest and left before he didn't have the strength anymore.

~~

"I'm sorry Quatre. I couldn't make him stay."

"I know."

"Will you be all right?"

"I don't know."

"You know you always have us."

"Yes."


	12. Gestalt 12

Well, this is it guys. I'm sad to say that my little devilish brainchild Gestalt is finally at an end. This is the final chapter. I am happy to say that this is the first really long fic I've finished. I will finish them all, I'm just soooo terribly, mindnumblingly SLOOOOW! And I really apologize for that. You guys have all been so wonderful reviewing and coming back to read, even with my emotional breakdowns and general laziness. I appreciate it so much! This fic is my baby and I'm all sad to finally let it go. The following is special thanks to people. I won't cover everyone, but to the rest of you, thank you so much! I'm so pleased that you stuck with me. I wanna just glomp all of you!

Caer

Warning: You will only get the first part of this fic since it contains LEMON at the end. I will provide a link at the bottom so that you will be able to read the rest, but in order to honor policy it will not be directly printed here.

GESTALT 12 The End!

By Caer

Hallways always seem to stretch forever when one is trying so desperately to get to the door. The sun shone in through that elusive door at the end, glinting off the polished white tile of the hospital floor blinding him and forcing him to hold his hand to his eyes as he took step after heavy step away from a dream. Yet he knew if he turned away, if he headed back into the hospital, the shine would be at his back and he would see clearly. But behind him was nothing but a fantasy.

If he closed his eyes, though the light would be gone, he would lose his way completely and all he would see in the blackness would be the shining memory of Quatre looking at him with cheerless and accusing green eyes. The light might be harsh, but if he turned away, he would simply be pulled back by the force of the voice that was calling to him, even in his mind. Quatre was crying. He could tell from here. They all were. They wouldn't get out of his head. Wufei was there, looking at him with disdain, disappointed, somehow. Like there was something that Trowa should see that he refused to. Heero's was a look of resignation. He had given up on Trowa already.

Trowa angrily wiped a tear away and shook his heads at his betraying thoughts. This was utter madness, that's what this place could do to one. It spread madness like a plague. The sooner he was gone and away from here the better. He sped up his pace toward the door, but that did not stop the voices in his head or the heaviness of his feet, which seemed to slow more and more against the hard and unforgiving tile floor until they stopped. He stared at his shaking fists and cried out in desperation, hitting the wall beside him.

Now that he was turned, face against the wall, as he suspected, the bright light no longer blinded him directly. Instead, it cast a rich golden hue along the wall of the corridor, landing on various objects that began to come into Trowa's blurred focus as he looked up.

They were pictures; these illusive objects and they were, like the rest of this place, a range of skills and intellects. Some were very childish, scrawled in crayon, some were done in oils and inks, very rich and artistic, but all were displayed on the wall with pride and special attention. Trowa backed away. It was just another sign wasn't it? Displaying madness as if there was nothing wrong about it, nothing shameful. And was he leaving it, or going back to it? Wasn't the circus a place for normal people to come and gawk at madmen? Was it the same? Was he trapped no matter what?

Finally, his eyes came to rest on a piece he recognized. It was a picture he had seen his second day here. When he had first seen Maremeia, she had been drawing this picture. It was a drawing of Quatre talking to Hilde across the counter. The little girl had completed it apparently and now it sat in honor with the rest of these windows into the souls of madness.

Except, there was more to this picture than there had been that day. She had completed it. She had added background, and even a corner of a chair in the front of the picture to add depth. Clever really, for such a young girl. But there was more to the picture even than that… something that made Trowa's blood run hot and cold at the same time.

Standing behind Quatre were two boys, both about the same height as Quatre himself, one with long black hair, pulled back into a loose ponytail, obviously by skin color and the shape of the black eyes, Chinese in descent, wearing a white shirt and pants. He stood straight, with his hands behind his back. The other boy was sinewy, wearing jeans and a tank top that showed off his small but muscular arms. He had wild brown hair that hung over dark, serious eyes. His hands hung loose, as if he were 'at ease' but ready for action.

Trowa squinted. Even with the simple lines of a talented child's drawing, the picture seemed to have a life of its own. He reached out with a shaking hand and pulled the picture from the wall, staring at it silently.

Slowly, with trepidation, he turned back and walked slowly away from the blinding light and back into the clear madness.

When he finally reentered Quatre's small room, he could only close the door and stare. Quatre stood, his back to the door, even though he couldn't possible not have heard Trowa's approach. Trowa fell back against the door, his legs no longer able to hold him upright. Quatre turned, and there were tears in the blue eyes that had only just begun to fall. For a moment, Trowa's stomach clenched at the terrible sadness in those eyes, before they became cold and distant.

"You're amazing Trowa." Heero glared at him. "You really don't know what the hell you want do you? Have you come back to torment him some more? Or do you feel you need to justify your decision to leave us behind? Including yourself."

Trowa only stared, unable to answer. Instead, something completely different quietly left his dry lips.

"What are you?"

Heero still glared, but his look turned to pity and he walked toward the taller boy. He reached a slow hand out and pushed the brown shock of hair out of Trowa's eyes. Wufei now looked up at him, his countenance showing neither anger or sadness and he said solemnly.

"We are who we are Trowa and we are who you want us to be. Don't you understand yet?"

Trowa looked at him, then his gaze fell to the picture in his hands and Wufei followed the look. He took the picture and walked under the light to look at it. He smiled, amused.

"Maremeia is getting better all the time." Then he looked back at Trowa, a glint in his eye. "But surely your mind wasn't changed by a simple drawing from a ten year old girl was it? Please Trowa." He set the picture down on the table. "She's a creative girl with quite an imagination. She talks with us all the time… or our 'alters' as you would put it." He said with disdain. "Surely it's not that surprising that she would draw all three of us? After all, she is quite mad herself isn't she? Just the workings of a deranged imagination. Easily explained."

Trowa hit the wall with his fist.

"Must you mock me Wufei?" He shuddered. "Why won't you tell me what the hell you are? Why are you doing this to me?"

"Perhaps you are better off asking, what are you doing to yourself. What is it about the picture Trowa? What are you trying to fight?"

"The picture." Trowa swallowed and looked at the offending paper and even though he couldn't see it from where he was, those images were burned into his mind. "The picture was simple…but"

"But?"

Trowa's hands fell limp at his sides.

"But, the two boys in the picture… look exactly like I had pictured them in my own mind." He stared hauntedly at the creature in front of him, completely lost. Wufei merely nodded. He gazed intently at Trowa.

"You're close Trowa, so very close." He smiled. "Heero, Quatre and I have done everything in our power to show you the way, but you must take the last step on your own. We can't take it for you."

Trowa looked up at the blond boy.

"The last step." He whispered.

"Think about it Trowa." An angry voice. Heero was back as he caged the taller boy against the door with his hands, staring up into his eyes, and even though Trowa could see the blond hair and blue eyes, in his minds eye, he saw brown hair and dark cobalt eyes. Reality no longer played the part it was supposed to. He shook his head and reached for the doorknob, but his arm wouldn't move. "We can't control you." Heero said. "You are still free. You always were, but not from you." He moved forward and captured Trowa's lips roughly, causing the scared boy to cry out in fear… yet he couldn't fight. The sinewy figure pressed against his was holding more than his body captive and as a tongue lapped at his lower lip, his cry silenced. When Heero pulled away, Trowa's chest shuddered in an unsteady gasp. He looked down at the boy and Quatre smiled up at him lovingly.

"You're starting to understand." He reached a hand up to caress Trowa's cheek. "I can see it in your eyes."

Trowa still fought though, a part of him still wanting to run.

"It can't be." He said, shaking his head, his eyes questioning, searching Quatre's for help, for answers, for something. His world was shattering. It was cracking apart like so much ice, weak with the warmth of the light, only needing the right pressure to break it completely. Quatre nodded and kissed his jaw.

"It can if you want it to be Trowa." He whispered. He latched his lips and teeth onto Trowa's earlobe, nibbling before speaking softly into the delicate thing. "It's still your choice, love." Trowa closed his eyes at the sensation of Quatre's hand working its way under his shirt and up his chest, idly playing with one nipple. "You're so close Trowa. One word. One choice and we can be yours, yours forever." Quatre looked at him, his countenance serious and somber, but filled with hope. Trowa could drown in those eyes. He was wrong. Quatre was wrong. It wasn't his choice. He wasn't free at all. He had been trapped the moment he laid eyes on this creature.

He nodded helplessly and raised his hands to hold Quatre's waist, stroking the flesh that seemed alien to him, no matter how real it felt.

"I can't refuse." He said, knowing and yet not knowing. "I've come to far to turn back haven't I?" Quatre only smiled up at him, pity mixed with happiness. "Please, help me?" Trowa pleaded, running a tender hand through Quatre's soft blond hair. The boy nodded, holding that hand.

"Don't be afraid. Trowa." He said softly. "Close your eyes."

Trowa nodded, thankful. Soon, it would be clear again. Quatre would make sure. They all would. He closed his eyes, letting the blanket of darkness be his comfort as he relaxed, falling into Heero's steel hold and gently lowered to the floor.

(Hey! Obviously, I can't post the lemon here, so please visit my homepage for the whole of this chapter. Thank you for reading. )

When the dark finally cleared, Trowa felt lips kissing him and whispering sweet nonsense to calm him, arms holding him, cradling him all around. The blindfold was gone. The pleasurable roar in his ears, brought on by euphoria calmed and quieted and Quatre kissed Trowa's face reverently, stroking his neck with gentle thumbs while Heero held him, cradled in his strong arms. Wufei whispered softly in Trowa's ear.

"Do you understand now?"

"Yes." Trowa said, still trembling. "I understand."

Quatre smiled against his cheek as he continued to kiss tenderly.

"Do you want to stay with us?"

Trowa nodded opening his eyes.

"Yes."

Quatre's smile grew and Trowa felt hands caress him and soft bites along his shoulder.

"I'm glad."

"We all are." Wufei added, taking Trowa's hand.

Then, Heero kissed Trowa's mouth passionately and they moved in to start all over again.

"Quatre. My full name is Quatre Raberba Winner!"

Duo looked at the boy, who was smiling brightly. He was practically glowing with kindness. 'He's cute!' Duo thought as he shook the warm slender hand.

The gentle boy turned to the guard, smiling and shaking his head, critically but amused as he looked at the chocolate-covered hands.

"Treize, I thought we agreed that you would lay off the chocolate if Heero fixed the security system. You'll never get a date with Nurse Une if you don't lose some weight."

"Yeah well, I didn't eat breakfast so I figured it wouldn't matter."

"Not good enough."

The boy's whole deportment suddenly changed. His stance was almost confrontational, yet restrained. He glared at the guard.

"Your body is your temple. You do it an injustice by treating it so."

Duo snickered. Whoever this alter was, he sounded like a total stick in the mud.

Treize nodded and walked off. "Yeah, yeah, I know Wufei. I'll start again next week."

"Yes. You will."

Quatre... or rather Wufei turned back, looking Duo over with a critical but not an unkind eye.

"I apologize for that. I meant no disregard."

"It's no problem." Duo grinned. This was going to be quite an experience.

Duo walked cockily into the room, looking around at the décor, the sparsely clean room, the oriental designs on the curtains, touched by some sentimental objects like a cute gargoyle perched on the desk and a violin in the corner. Duo also noticed on the table, a laptop, which appeared to have schematics of the building they were in. Duo laughed and shook his head. 'This guy is a real number... or several. Nice kid though. Kind of sexy.'

"So, you ready to get started?" He said, shaking himself and sitting down, taking care not to sit on his long braid of chestnut hair. He took out a small tape recorder and set it on the table.

The boy sat down and eyed Duo almost suspiciously. Obviously, this was another alter. Had he counted three now? He wasn't sure.

"What do you want to know?"

Duo grinned and turned the tape recorder on. He noticed that the boy stared down at his lap, rather than look up. Duo felt kind of sorry for the kid. He must have been through a lot.

"You're not big on eye contact huh?"

The boy looked up nervously, and then bowed his head, hiding his eyes completely.

"Sort of, I guess. I just don't like people seeing my eyes."

Duo noted the change and wondered who this was.

"So what's your name kid?"

"My name is Trowa. Trowa Barton."

Duo smiled kindly at Trowa.

"You're pretty shy aren't ya?"

The boy nodded and smiled slightly.

"We all tend to keep to ourselves... although..."

"Although what?"

The blue-green eyes gazed at him hungrily through wild blond hair.

"We do tend to get lonely."

Owari

Agh. Okay, I do realize that ending it with an epiphany sex scene is a bit cheesy. It's what I had planned from the beginning of this fic when I thought it would be a mere three chapters and not that detailed. You know, short like a 'Twilight Zone' story or something. It made more sense to me then. Now, I look at it and I just think cheese with a capital CH. Still, let me know what you think. I'm very curious.

So, what pleased me most about all the reviews is that everyone had differing opinions. Some thought that Quatre was crazy and some though that Wufei, Quatre and Heero were real. That makes me incredibly proud since that is the effect I was going for and I thank you for the feedback that told me I was on the right track.

I honestly hope that I have not answered any questions at all. I intentionally leave it vague and it's up to you what you want Quatre to be. Either he was a weird magical being who was… as Quwinn put it 'a maneater', or He was in fact mad and Trowa was nothing more than a new personality he took on. Or maybe, Quatre is real and we are all figments of his imagination. Perhaps we are all aspects of his deranged mind… fangirls and boys who read and write about him having hot pony sex with his fellow pilots because that's what turns him on, while we are not real, in fact, at all. grin Ain't reality a tricky thing?

Thanks again everyone. Thank you so much for your support.


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